are they or are they not?

Recently, we drove up to the country and stayed in a friend's family holiday home during the Easter break. We felt like kings and queens in that family home! Everything about it looked, smelt and tasted expensive!!!!! I slept in Ralph Lauren sheets and wiped my ass after my bath in Ralph Lauren towels!!!!!!! :)

Anyway, there were other couples there too. Mostly with kids except one couple. They said that they didn't want kids and in my dreary tired mind after having chased T for 6hours, I mumbled, HMMMM.... cuz sub-consciously, I thought, Yeah I've used that excuse before, when people asked us if we were EVER gonna have kids after having been married for 3 years. I didn't contribute much in the conversation, partly cuz I was tired and also I didn't want to intrude. Hey, I know what's it like when people kept pestering us if we were going to have kids. But as the other couples interrogated them, I couldn't help feel defensive for the couple and wanted to shout, HEY BACK OFF! GIVE THEM A BREAK! And as each couple shared about their how long it took them to get pregnant, pregnancy stories, children stories, I became really bored and at the corner of my eye, I saw that "I-chose-to-be-child-free" woman stifle a yawn. Yep, both of us were bored and somehow, she managed to convince me that they really didn't want kids.

So, on the last day, we were all rushing to pack up and head home, which can be so chaotic with kids running around, I saw T running towards me, and he was laughing. He wanted to give me a hug....my schweet boy. And then at the corner of my eye, I saw the "I-chose-to-be-child-free" woman look at us and gave us a smile. I thought I recognised the "Gosh, I want a child too but can't have" longing look. I wanted to say, I know what you're feeling. But I didn't.

And till today, I do wonder sometimes, are they or are they not?

Infertile?

Hmmmm.....

been through it and don't want to go through it again.

Sometime around this time of the year, in June 2008, I was counting down to my first IVF. I had gone through a lap, after being diagnosed with infertility - endo, with the works - polyps, fibroids, ovarian cysts. The 3 years of not getting pregnant and then with a diagnosis, seriously freaked me out. Deep down I was so so so so so so scared that I would never experience motherhood.

I resorted to blogging because I didn't know who to turn to or if anybody was going through the same. Nobody understood what I was going through, nor did I expect them to. I made a few bloggy friends and some I'm still in contact with them.

Recently, I went through my blog list of Just Me and realised that so many are no longer blogging. I wonder what happened to them. Have they finally had a chance to meet their resolutions in their journey with infertility? Or are they still on this lonely path?

I admit that the last 2years after having T, I haven't really been blogging. I've been consumed with motherhood. It is a whole lot harder when you're doing this alone with no family help or any help, in a foreign country. I know, excuses, but honestly, true. It's 6.20am, and my down time is now before the madness starts in the morning 7am attill 9pm and then I start to clean the house and prepare his day time activities for the next day till 1am and finally I go to bed. But I love the madness because i wouldn't change it for the world.

Babes and I are talking again about trying again. Maybe later part of this year. My heart's not healed but I am willing to give it another go. It so longs for another pair of arms to go round me at night, it so longs for another kiss on the other cheek, and it so longs for the love in the eyes that I see from T.

But if we can't have another child again, then it's ok. I'll close the chapter because I don't want to be sad and to go through the infertility of why me days again.

But the chapter's not ready to be closed so we'll see.

and hope for hope again.

do we try again?

Our fertility specialist has given us the go ahead to try for another baby after the 2nd month of my period. Well, 2nd month has come and gone. We haven't really been talking about trying again. T still touches my tummy daily to ask for his "bay-bee" and it doesn't hit me in the guts anymore when he says that. It's a numb sadness that I feel.

But sometimes there's just that, WHAT IF WE DON'T QUICKLY TRY NOW OR IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN? fear that I feel from my infertility days.I know I am very blessed to have T but I also know that I do want another one, for T's sake. Somehow I feel that we'll be here in Australia for good so I would like a sibling for T. Somebody he can count on, somebody he can go to for help or support if anything should happen to both babes and myself since he doesn't have any other family members to depend on. Plus I grew up as an only child and it was pretty lonely.

But my heart's not ready but the practical side of me says that I should try sooner rather than later.

I just wish it didn't have to be so difficult.

Times like these I just wish that the beauty of conception be that simple for us.








I just wish that I'm fertile.

E-Day

Singaporeans will be voting tomorrow. Being away from Singapore for almost 4 years, I don't really keep in touch with the Singapore news anymore, apart from Jamie Yeo having had an affair and dumping that loud mouth deejay and getting married to an English dude, or is he American?

Anyways, from what I hear, it's the first time that people, or rather, the younger generation who may want a different system, a system to be heard & open. I lived with a system where we had to follow rules. Though some of them I am grateful for, many I disagree.

I was shocked when I saw an election here in Australia for the first time. The existing government was immediately thrown off and taken away by another party. So, this is what keeping the government in check was all about! So different from Singapore where it was my system, my way, you just jolly well live with it.

I have lived in two different countries. Whilst I miss things like getting foreign help so cheaply to things like being able to run downstairs to get a plate of chicken rice to having CPF and knowing you can use it for your housing instalment, there are so many reasons why we won't go back to Singapore - for now, or perhaps forever.

Our life here is good. With infertility, doctors here are better. We were better informed of our disease and were better educated about how to treat it. Babes comes home by 5.30pm and gets to spend at least 3hours before T goes to bed. I get to be a SAHM here to enjoy and treasure being with T. If we were to go back, both of us would have to work as babes's occupation has been overtaken by foreigners in Singapore and was told to take a paycut when we were in Singapore..or that his position would simply go to a foreigner who is willing to take a lower salary. We could not survive on his salary alone in Singapore :(

When we went back to Singapore last year after 3.5years of being away, we felt that Singapore is a different Singapore for us. So many tall buildings, everywhere was just so congested, houses are so close by that you wouldn't dare let go a fart for fear your neighbour might hear you - ok, so i exaggerate about the closeness...

Being in Melbourne now for the past 3 years, we are perhaps more used to the beach now where we live, used to seeing beautiful trees; our neighbours are just next to us but yet we have our own privacy - we are divided by our gardens, we are so used to being able to drive up to the country to enjoy some country life and hear the cows moo and the horses fart, oops, i mean neigh, more used to hearing a horn beep to say hello and goodbye, rather than seeing an annoyed handwave as to why you are driving so slowly in Singapore!..and we have our own circle of friends now and we really, really, like it here..it's a life we've come to embrace.

Babes and I were talking recently if we would go back to Singapore to live. We're unsure. We'll take it day by day and see how it go..but for us, Melbourne is home now and we have T.... And it's the best place to be.

why?

well, we met up with our FS on Monday and found out why the miscarriage happened. The sac that they took for testing showed that it had 92 chromosomes and most likely that 2 sperms had entered the egg. He said that the m/c was rare and whilst it could happen to anybody but given my age (though I aint that old just yet), just over 36 years old, the chances of a m/c is higher.

But that doesn't mean we won't try again.

We will, perhaps, when my heart has healed. The tears have stopped freely and I am able to enjoy being with T again. Time and again, almost everyday, he still touches my tummy and asks, BAY-BEE? but i tell him that baby is in heaven.

I'm in an acceptance stage of what has happened. It's been 2 months of grieving. I know that when my due date comes in September, I'd probably be sad again but I want to focus on the NOW which is being happy with T.

NOW is good and I am lucky and know that I am blessed for NOW.

a month later

it's been almost a month since we've had the d&c.

the grieving stage was horrible. but it was hard to grieve for long when I have a bubbly, happy toddler who loves to have me around. he turned 2 last week. i've been writing T letters since I found out I was pregnant. I guess, just to remember our journey to have him and also to remember our journey together as a family. In the letter, I wrote how much we love him and talked about his birthday party. I also mentioned about our loss because I had written a letter to him earlier, announcing that he was going to have a sibling.

T still kisses my tummy which is the sweetest thing and says, BAY-BEE?. And I tell him, Bay-bee is in heaven. Sleeping. And he goes, OH and carries on playing with his car toys. He is just so innocent that I am happy he doesn't understand sadness. Perhaps the only sadness is when I tell him we have to go home after he's had his fun at the park.

Babes and I will try again, when we are ready. We'll be seeing our fertility specialist on April 11. Because he is also our OBGYN, he will tell us the results of what went wrong from the sac he took from the d&c. I want to know, and I don't want to know. :(

About a week ago, I saw a friend mentioning on facebook that she was expecting and that her due date was 23 September. Fuck, what are the odds!? Same due date as mine! Surprisingly, I didn't bawl my eyes out. I just sighed and felt a tinge of sadness.

Today, I would have been 14.5 weeks. I don't really want sympathy, you know. I'm still sad. But I was sadder. I'm just saying, that's all. The grief of loss is still there and I have my moments of coulda, woulda, shoulda. HATE.HATE.HATE.INFERTILITY.ARGHS.

I'm unsure whether we will have another child. With infertilty, fuck knows. I'll give ourselves maybe a year, max 2 years and I'll give up our dream to have another child. Deep inside, I know that I'm just really grateful for T.

So, we'll see.



Happy belated birthday, T.

Mama and Dada love you. Forever and ever and ever.

:(

For the past few nights, I've been staring at the computer, eating my ice-cream. Indulging in self-pity food.

ice cream tastes fucking good.





When I first found out that I was pregnant with T, I had the camera on a roll. We took pictures of my first pee stick that said - pregnant (I am still keeping that pee stick), first scan of him waving to us, pictures of my tummy growing bigger, pictures of us buying his pram, cot, clothes, and then when he was born, pictures of everything. Our first touch with him, his first day, second day, third day, first week, first month, first smile, first step..and then there will be more pictures to come of his first day at school, first picture of him being a teen, first picture of him being 21 - an adult officially...and pictures of him getting married, and maybe of him having his first child (definitely NO pressures from me about insisting him to have grandchildren!).

Pictures.

Lots of pictures.

And these will become lots of beautiful memories to treasure.

Miscarriage is so hard. When it all comes crashing down around you when you miscarry, you have lost a lifetime of memories. Most people don't know but your life has just completely changed.

My fondest memory of Baby Number 2 is of a picture of a pee stick that says 4 to 5 weeks pregnant.

And that memory stops there.

I long for more memories with Baby Number 2. I really do.

It's been a week since the d&c.

My heart still bleeds and the tears can't stop falling, though they are less often.

:(



Back to eating ice-cream now. *nom nom nom*

Ice cream tastes so fucking good.