mother's day.

Mother's Day for infertiles is usually, FUCKING (CRY YOUR HEART OUT LIKE CRAZY) GROUNDHOG DAY. It happens year after year of knowing that the celebration goes past with empty, barren & lonely arms.

I hated Mother's Day, for a varied of reasons. One, I wanted SOOOO MUCH what my friends were having. The warm cuddles, the sweet kisses, the take-my-breath away smiles and yes, i wanted the nights of not sleeping, the crazy changing of nappies, the incessant crying and the getting peed yet. The little things that so many fertiles take for granted - I WANTED IT ALL.

Secondly, I always miss my mum on Mother's Day. I've always wondered what kind of mother I would be. I didn't have my mum around long enough to inspire me, to talk to me, to love me, to give me a hug, to scold me when I was naughty. And I think that's why I behave the way I do now as a mum. I panic whenever T gets sick or whenever I get sick. I fear that I will leave him early which is why I am very anal about doing certain things. I record every single thing that makes him happy, makes him sad, makes him angry. I write funny letters to him so that he would know the kind of childhood he had when he grows up.

Today I sit here, pondering and reflecting Mother's Day. It's a different Mother's Day this year. But I sit here watching three videos:

What IF? A Portrait of Infertility from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.

Happy Mother's Day, to my fellow infertiles who are still on the tumultuous rollercoaster journey to finding your resolution. I can still feel & taste the tears, anguish and sorrow.

To be a mother, one needs to feel the love of a mother.
That to me, tells me that you are already a mum.

To my mum, Happy Mother's Day.

I miss you dearly with my whole heart and really wish you were here.


xoxo,
P.