Today, I have a beautiful 20month old boy who yells out MAMA-MAMA-MAMA-MAMA in a busy shopping mall.
My heart swells, does a big flippty-flop and I am grateful. VERY.
Although we didn't get pregnant last month, I know that I am very lucky to have him. There are so many couples out there, still on the ttc-fuck-when's-it-gonna-be-my-turn-to-get-pregnant wagon. He is the reason why I am smiling today. He took me out of depression when I was trying so hard to conceive.
I love him to bits. I would very much love to give him a sibling.
I pray, that just one more time....... pls let me be pregnant.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Friday, November 19, 2010
negative
i haven't been blogging. t runs like the wind, the house is a perpetual tsunami and by 9pm, i'm dog tired. :(
but....despite all the lack of energy, we're back to the "having sex every other day" to get pregnant again. We're trying again. Just naturally first and then go on the clomid within the next 3 months. I have the prescription with me. Just not ready to take it yet to get my clomood kill the day.
I tested last night.
It was negative.
That old familiar stab hit me again.
Fucking, fucking painful. And i threw the stick into the bin with a 'hmmph'.
dejavu.
we try again. next month.
but....despite all the lack of energy, we're back to the "having sex every other day" to get pregnant again. We're trying again. Just naturally first and then go on the clomid within the next 3 months. I have the prescription with me. Just not ready to take it yet to get my clomood kill the day.
I tested last night.
It was negative.
That old familiar stab hit me again.
Fucking, fucking painful. And i threw the stick into the bin with a 'hmmph'.
dejavu.
we try again. next month.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Am I a Good Mother?
Fucking darn YES.
...although there are moments when I feel that I'm not.
Being a mother is probably the most challenging job in the whole world. I do not take any day for granted. After all, I fought for 3.5years with infertility to be a mum. I love being a mum. I truly believe in everything I do (though not always so), from breastfeeding my son to co-sleeping. The decisions that I make are good for us FOR NOW. It may not seem so in future but they work for us NOW.
Why am I writing this? Because lately, I've been getting some flak from friends about my soft parenting ways. I have never told anybody how they should parent their child. So, one of them who is giving me some well meaning assvice is my good friend. She is no longer my bestie cuz somehow we've just drifted apart. But we do call each other occasionally. Lately, she keeps asking me in a tone that annoys me, ARE YOU STILL BREASTFEDING HIM? WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO STOP? She made me feel like a freak to still be breastfeeding a 16month old toddler. Initially, I was defensive and said that it was hard to wean him off. And then I became tired to even explain what a breastfeeding relationship is all about. Babes says that I have mellowed a lot cuz if somebody had pissed me off in the past, I'd just bite back. But lately, I'm just really so sleep deprived that it's not funny.
I was inspired lately by 2 posts (pls have a read!):
1. Don't Muddy Your Milk: Shame, Valour, and Breastfeeding
2. Parenting 101
------------------------------------------------
I summoned up my courage and at 11.45pm last night, I wrote her an email:
hi,
I've been meaning to write and time is never on my side. i'm sure time is neither on your side too, so it's ok, i perfectly understand.
Anyways, I hope you don't mind me saying this but I hope in future you won't ask me, SO ARE YOU STILL BREASTFEEDING? in a tone that makes me feel very ashamed. You keep remarking that because I am not working (thus, I have all the time in the world and am sooo free) and that because I have only 1 child so it makes breastfeeding very easy for me.
It is not. Because you have not had a breastfeeding relationship with both your kids until this age you do not understand what a breastfeeding relationship is. Your comments have brought a lot of unnecessary stress to both T and me. To me, I feel that sleep is a peaceful thing and to create such stress on a young child by letting him cry out loud and clinging on to me is not something that I can do. It's very heartbreaking for me. and when I hear such comments from you and friends who do not understand what we go through, it makes me doubt myself as a mother and think that maybe what I'm doing is wrong.
I have spoken to mothers who have breastfed their children and their kids weaned in their time. I do hope that T will wean but I'd like to do it with love. To me, crying out loud is not for me and T.
I hope you will read this article:
http://www.nursingfreedom.org/2010/08/dont-muddy-your-milk-shame-valour-and.html#comment-form
We are all good mothers - you and me. I have always respected how you choose to mother/parent your children even though sometimes I may not agree with some of your decisions.
I hope you respect mine too.
--------------------------------------------------
And after I clicked send, I felt so relieved. It felt so darn good to stand up for myself and for my son. I am not a freak to still be breastfeeding my son. I should be proud of myself that our breastfeeding relationship has lasted this long! In fact, I didn't even think I could last a day when I first started breastfeeding cuz the early days were just too darn hard!
I have been through infertility. And one of the lessons that I've learnt with infertility is to respect people's decisions. So whether you are a mother who is breastfeeding, formula-feeding, co-sleeping or not, doing the crying out loud, you do what is best for you and your family. Some of us are just thrown with more challenges than others. We have our good days and we have our bad days. It is OK because it makes us who we are. What kind of world would we be in if everyday is just a groundhog day of diamonds and roses? (lovely, i might add!) There are days when I go through my post-infertile blues and wish that I was a fertile and that I don't have a ticking time bomb going tick tick tick tick cuz I desperately want a number 2 and not knowing if I'll be lucky enough to have another miracle in my life. There are days when I wish I had more time alone to myself but there are days when I think that after fighting for so long to be a mum, I just want to wrap all these precious moments in my heart that I have with T because I know my time with him alone is so short. He is only so little in such a short time. Soon, he will no longer want to hold my hand. Soon, he will leave the house. Soon, he will be his own man and soon, he will make his own decisions that he will feel right for his own family.
I am a GOOD mother. NO, I'm a GREAT mother.
Remember...
''To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.''
T is and will always be, my world.
...although there are moments when I feel that I'm not.
Being a mother is probably the most challenging job in the whole world. I do not take any day for granted. After all, I fought for 3.5years with infertility to be a mum. I love being a mum. I truly believe in everything I do (though not always so), from breastfeeding my son to co-sleeping. The decisions that I make are good for us FOR NOW. It may not seem so in future but they work for us NOW.
Why am I writing this? Because lately, I've been getting some flak from friends about my soft parenting ways. I have never told anybody how they should parent their child. So, one of them who is giving me some well meaning assvice is my good friend. She is no longer my bestie cuz somehow we've just drifted apart. But we do call each other occasionally. Lately, she keeps asking me in a tone that annoys me, ARE YOU STILL BREASTFEDING HIM? WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO STOP? She made me feel like a freak to still be breastfeeding a 16month old toddler. Initially, I was defensive and said that it was hard to wean him off. And then I became tired to even explain what a breastfeeding relationship is all about. Babes says that I have mellowed a lot cuz if somebody had pissed me off in the past, I'd just bite back. But lately, I'm just really so sleep deprived that it's not funny.
I was inspired lately by 2 posts (pls have a read!):
1. Don't Muddy Your Milk: Shame, Valour, and Breastfeeding
2. Parenting 101
------------------------------------------------
I summoned up my courage and at 11.45pm last night, I wrote her an email:
hi,
I've been meaning to write and time is never on my side. i'm sure time is neither on your side too, so it's ok, i perfectly understand.
Anyways, I hope you don't mind me saying this but I hope in future you won't ask me, SO ARE YOU STILL BREASTFEEDING? in a tone that makes me feel very ashamed. You keep remarking that because I am not working (thus, I have all the time in the world and am sooo free) and that because I have only 1 child so it makes breastfeeding very easy for me.
It is not. Because you have not had a breastfeeding relationship with both your kids until this age you do not understand what a breastfeeding relationship is. Your comments have brought a lot of unnecessary stress to both T and me. To me, I feel that sleep is a peaceful thing and to create such stress on a young child by letting him cry out loud and clinging on to me is not something that I can do. It's very heartbreaking for me. and when I hear such comments from you and friends who do not understand what we go through, it makes me doubt myself as a mother and think that maybe what I'm doing is wrong.
I have spoken to mothers who have breastfed their children and their kids weaned in their time. I do hope that T will wean but I'd like to do it with love. To me, crying out loud is not for me and T.
I hope you will read this article:
http://www.nursingfreedom.org/2010/08/dont-muddy-your-milk-shame-valour-and.html#comment-form
We are all good mothers - you and me. I have always respected how you choose to mother/parent your children even though sometimes I may not agree with some of your decisions.
I hope you respect mine too.
--------------------------------------------------
And after I clicked send, I felt so relieved. It felt so darn good to stand up for myself and for my son. I am not a freak to still be breastfeeding my son. I should be proud of myself that our breastfeeding relationship has lasted this long! In fact, I didn't even think I could last a day when I first started breastfeeding cuz the early days were just too darn hard!
I have been through infertility. And one of the lessons that I've learnt with infertility is to respect people's decisions. So whether you are a mother who is breastfeeding, formula-feeding, co-sleeping or not, doing the crying out loud, you do what is best for you and your family. Some of us are just thrown with more challenges than others. We have our good days and we have our bad days. It is OK because it makes us who we are. What kind of world would we be in if everyday is just a groundhog day of diamonds and roses? (lovely, i might add!) There are days when I go through my post-infertile blues and wish that I was a fertile and that I don't have a ticking time bomb going tick tick tick tick cuz I desperately want a number 2 and not knowing if I'll be lucky enough to have another miracle in my life. There are days when I wish I had more time alone to myself but there are days when I think that after fighting for so long to be a mum, I just want to wrap all these precious moments in my heart that I have with T because I know my time with him alone is so short. He is only so little in such a short time. Soon, he will no longer want to hold my hand. Soon, he will leave the house. Soon, he will be his own man and soon, he will make his own decisions that he will feel right for his own family.
I am a GOOD mother. NO, I'm a GREAT mother.
Remember...
''To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.''
T is and will always be, my world.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
it's a no-go
we've decided that we won't try for number 2 - for now.
financially, we're very tight. we are still paying our mortgage back home in singapore. we are still renting here in australia. houses here cost more than half a million. we don't have that. so we have to wait for our house back home to sell before we can finally have a deposit to buy a house here in australia. we really want to have a house on our own here. We hope that with the house sold, we could also hire some help if i were to be preggers with number 2.
it sucks. i was all geared up to try again. most of my friends who had gone through fertility treatments and had given birth around the same as me are either preggers with number 2 or on their way for their next ivf cycle. i know that with our last lesson learnt with infertility, you never know what to expect. it could take another 1 year, 3 years, 10 years, or probably never to get pregnant again.
i really want a sibling for T. I'm sad.
i fucking hate infertility.
and hate it that fertiles have it easy.
but T's smile is enough to brighten any storm for me.
So, we wait.
rant over.
financially, we're very tight. we are still paying our mortgage back home in singapore. we are still renting here in australia. houses here cost more than half a million. we don't have that. so we have to wait for our house back home to sell before we can finally have a deposit to buy a house here in australia. we really want to have a house on our own here. We hope that with the house sold, we could also hire some help if i were to be preggers with number 2.
it sucks. i was all geared up to try again. most of my friends who had gone through fertility treatments and had given birth around the same as me are either preggers with number 2 or on their way for their next ivf cycle. i know that with our last lesson learnt with infertility, you never know what to expect. it could take another 1 year, 3 years, 10 years, or probably never to get pregnant again.
i really want a sibling for T. I'm sad.
i fucking hate infertility.
and hate it that fertiles have it easy.
but T's smile is enough to brighten any storm for me.
So, we wait.
rant over.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
waka-waka
2 years ago, i did everything to get pg.
I bellly-bopped.
I yodelled.
I screamed.
I chanted.
I kept babbling, FINGERS CROSSED FINGERS CROSSED.
I touched DH's penis for good luck.
I POAS almost everyday(peed on a stick. just to explain for the benefit of my fertile readers).
I rapped.
I cheered.
Gosh, i fucking did everything.
But this year, i'd like to do something different.
I'll be waka-waka-ing.
Yep, gonna do the waka dance to hopefully get pg.
Counting down the days now to see my FS.
So nervous. so nervous.
and anxious.
and excited.
and frightened.
so we waka now?
I bellly-bopped.
I yodelled.
I screamed.
I chanted.
I kept babbling, FINGERS CROSSED FINGERS CROSSED.
I touched DH's penis for good luck.
I POAS almost everyday(peed on a stick. just to explain for the benefit of my fertile readers).
I rapped.
I cheered.
Gosh, i fucking did everything.
But this year, i'd like to do something different.
I'll be waka-waka-ing.
Yep, gonna do the waka dance to hopefully get pg.
Counting down the days now to see my FS.
So nervous. so nervous.
and anxious.
and excited.
and frightened.
so we waka now?
Saturday, June 5, 2010
big fat positive
boo, gotcha! nup, i ain't pregnant. i haven't seen DH's Krull the Warrior King for 23months.
i called my fertility specialist and we've got an appointment booked in. NEXT MONTH! Well, apparently, somebody had just cancelled her appointment and it was either this appointment or sometime in late September. So, i thought, WTH!
Anyway, spoke to my FS and first thing he asked was,
WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?!
Erm, hello? U're my FS. I'm infertile. I need to get knocked up again.
Told him that I hadn't had my AF yet and that I was hoping to try again..soon? He was shocked and asked, BUT YOU DON'T HAVE PCOS, IF I REMEMBER CORRECTLY? Yep, that's right..I have fucking endo that eats my mood away and makes me very bitchy. Told him that I'm still bf-ing and tried to night wean but it's been H.A.R.D. We've been successful with day weaning cuz T's just too busy exploring the world. Told him that at the rate we're going, T will be the only child and that I'd have my menopause first. He laughed. Huh? Was that a joke?!
Honestly, I am excited about trying again for number 2. But there are days, I'd go, I don't know if I can do it. T has been sick quite a lot and I had my moments of I WANT OUT, seriously. Because I couldn't cope doing it all on my own. Although I have DH at night and during the weekends, but it's the day when I'm all alone with a sick and crying baby..and I am helpless cuz I wished I could do something to make him feel better. He hasn't been sick for 2 weeks (am i jinxing it by saying this out loud!???) and I feel a bit sane but there's just so much housework to do! arghs!
Then, just yesterday, I started reminiscing about the time I found out that I was pg to the first time I saw T at my 12 weeks scan. I will never forget that day. I was filled with fear and apprehension..and excitement. At 12 weeks, I saw 10 fingers, 10 toes and I heard the most beautiful beat,
BA-BOOM
BA-BOOM
BA-BOOM
His heartbeat.
And then he did a wave and he had me at hello.
I was rapt...... with love
To me, I didn't just want to be pregnant. I wanted to stay pregnant and have this baby in my arms. My big fat positive was = baby in my arms and me realising my dream of being a mum - FINALLY. Can I be selfish and say that, I want to live that dream again. My good bloggy friend said, WE'RE LIVING THE DREAM. MUMMYHOOD IS GRAND. I couldn't agree even more!
So, I sent a fedex to God and made a little wish.
It would be lovely to hear jingle bells this X'mas but it would be even lovelier to hear,
BA-BOOM
BA-BOOM
BA-BOOM
I haven't said this for some time.... FINGERS CROSSED, huh?
ps. oh, wtf? maybe i'll just visit DH's Krull the Warrior King and see what happens tonight. U know how the fertiles say it in their annoying Fran Drescher whiney tone, I KNOW IT ALL,, U KNOW, IF YOU CAN GET PREGNANT ONCE, U CAN GET PREGNANT AGAAAIIIIINNNNN! hmmpf.
i called my fertility specialist and we've got an appointment booked in. NEXT MONTH! Well, apparently, somebody had just cancelled her appointment and it was either this appointment or sometime in late September. So, i thought, WTH!
Anyway, spoke to my FS and first thing he asked was,
WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?!
Erm, hello? U're my FS. I'm infertile. I need to get knocked up again.
Told him that I hadn't had my AF yet and that I was hoping to try again..soon? He was shocked and asked, BUT YOU DON'T HAVE PCOS, IF I REMEMBER CORRECTLY? Yep, that's right..I have fucking endo that eats my mood away and makes me very bitchy. Told him that I'm still bf-ing and tried to night wean but it's been H.A.R.D. We've been successful with day weaning cuz T's just too busy exploring the world. Told him that at the rate we're going, T will be the only child and that I'd have my menopause first. He laughed. Huh? Was that a joke?!
Honestly, I am excited about trying again for number 2. But there are days, I'd go, I don't know if I can do it. T has been sick quite a lot and I had my moments of I WANT OUT, seriously. Because I couldn't cope doing it all on my own. Although I have DH at night and during the weekends, but it's the day when I'm all alone with a sick and crying baby..and I am helpless cuz I wished I could do something to make him feel better. He hasn't been sick for 2 weeks (am i jinxing it by saying this out loud!???) and I feel a bit sane but there's just so much housework to do! arghs!
Then, just yesterday, I started reminiscing about the time I found out that I was pg to the first time I saw T at my 12 weeks scan. I will never forget that day. I was filled with fear and apprehension..and excitement. At 12 weeks, I saw 10 fingers, 10 toes and I heard the most beautiful beat,
BA-BOOM
BA-BOOM
BA-BOOM
His heartbeat.
And then he did a wave and he had me at hello.
I was rapt...... with love
To me, I didn't just want to be pregnant. I wanted to stay pregnant and have this baby in my arms. My big fat positive was = baby in my arms and me realising my dream of being a mum - FINALLY. Can I be selfish and say that, I want to live that dream again. My good bloggy friend said, WE'RE LIVING THE DREAM. MUMMYHOOD IS GRAND. I couldn't agree even more!
So, I sent a fedex to God and made a little wish.
It would be lovely to hear jingle bells this X'mas but it would be even lovelier to hear,
BA-BOOM
BA-BOOM
BA-BOOM
I haven't said this for some time.... FINGERS CROSSED, huh?
ps. oh, wtf? maybe i'll just visit DH's Krull the Warrior King and see what happens tonight. U know how the fertiles say it in their annoying Fran Drescher whiney tone, I KNOW IT ALL,, U KNOW, IF YOU CAN GET PREGNANT ONCE, U CAN GET PREGNANT AGAAAIIIIINNNNN! hmmpf.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
number 2
babes and i have been talking more and more about us trying again for number 2. i still haven't my AF yet. Bf-ing has kept her at bay. Night weaning has been harder than i thought. T has been sick the whole of April and is sick again with the cold and cough. I hate cold months. He always gets so sick during the colder months. And whenever he is teething, he gets a cold. So, the boob becomes his comfort zone. Mama here, is very sleep deprived.
Been thinking of giving my fertility specialist a call...soon. Feel that time is ticking for us. I'm worried that it'll take another 3.5years or that it may never happen for us. We worry too about the financial and emotional strain. But I feel that a sibling for T would do him good. What if one day, both of us aren't around anymore, he would at least have someone he can turn to.
So, I've set a dateline. I'll be giving my fertility specialist a call next month. Likelihood of us getting an appointment with him would be in 3 months time. Hopefully by then, I'll get my AF back. T's health would be better. And I think I may need to start thinking about alternative career options when he goes to school in 2014. So, possibly, thinking about going back to school.
A bit scary.
We have so many dreams.
If we can't have another, I know I'll be very sad. But I'm thankful that I have T and I've learnt so much through my experience with infertility. I cherished every second/minute of being pregnant. I loved being big (the bigger the better, I kept saying!), I loved feeling him move and I loved the backaches from carrying him for 37weeks 2 days! ha!
So, please say a prayer for us that maybe, somehow, we'll be blessed with another.
And no, we won't be "relaxing" to get another baby.
ps I still fuckking hate that OH, JUST RELAX AND YOU'LL GET PREGNANT assvice! HATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Been thinking of giving my fertility specialist a call...soon. Feel that time is ticking for us. I'm worried that it'll take another 3.5years or that it may never happen for us. We worry too about the financial and emotional strain. But I feel that a sibling for T would do him good. What if one day, both of us aren't around anymore, he would at least have someone he can turn to.
So, I've set a dateline. I'll be giving my fertility specialist a call next month. Likelihood of us getting an appointment with him would be in 3 months time. Hopefully by then, I'll get my AF back. T's health would be better. And I think I may need to start thinking about alternative career options when he goes to school in 2014. So, possibly, thinking about going back to school.
A bit scary.
We have so many dreams.
If we can't have another, I know I'll be very sad. But I'm thankful that I have T and I've learnt so much through my experience with infertility. I cherished every second/minute of being pregnant. I loved being big (the bigger the better, I kept saying!), I loved feeling him move and I loved the backaches from carrying him for 37weeks 2 days! ha!
So, please say a prayer for us that maybe, somehow, we'll be blessed with another.
And no, we won't be "relaxing" to get another baby.
ps I still fuckking hate that OH, JUST RELAX AND YOU'LL GET PREGNANT assvice! HATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
