I was going through my belly picturs to the time he was born and I started sobbing. Sad tears. Happy tears. Mostly happy. Memories of my journey with infertility that started from Singapore and continued to Perth and finally Melbourne just made me very sad. I hate feeling sad these days when I have something so wonderful in my hands. And then I started thinking about the day I found out I was pregnant on July 19, 2008 to the time he was born and somehow, it meandered to happy tears. I shan't bore you with the long birth story. Long story short, it was a 19hour long labour followed by an emergency c-section. I don't really quite remember the labour as much (OK, I lied, I do remember!). All I remember was hearing him cry and them placing him on my chest. Like a pendulum swing, I was feeling nervous with apprehension to anticipation to excitement. When I finally saw him, I bawled into his face, kissed his wet head and touched his candy floss cheeks. I had reached my finishing line. This is how a resolution to my infertility nightmare feels like. My infertility feelings of anger, resentment and frustration all but suddenly were replaced by an overwhelming feeling of motherly calm and peace. Before I was wheeled off to my resting room, my beautiful fertility specialist who was also my obsterician (God bless his pure soul) kissed my forehead and whispered in my ear gently, YOU'RE A MUM NOW. STOP CRYING. Fuck, that did it! I BAWLED EVEN LOUDER!
Being a mum hasn't been easy while I fumbled through and am still fumbling through motherhood. We really felt dying from sheer exhaustion! From the cleaning of the house to the cooking and to the constant change of nappies and to coming up with tricks to make T sleep. We still do feel dead tired! Everything is still a blur. Now we've got teething in our hands.
Having no family help or any maid (it's common for Singaporeans to have maids when you have a bub), we didn't know whether what we were doing was right or wrong. We simply followed our hearts, instincts and mostly googling. I remember how babes was wondering how to put T's nappy on in the hospital while T was crying hysterically. As I was still sore and couldn't move from the bed, I kept asking him, WHAT'S WRONG? WHAT'S WRONG? WHAT'S WRONG, only to be snapped, JUST SHUT UP!, while he frantically tried to calm T down. Many times both babes and I would snap at each other cuz we were scared shitless. We didn't know why T was crying, or sneezing or pooing Niagra Falls. I remember at the hospital when I first saw T's poo being black in colour and I panicked. I buzzed the nurse who was assigned to us and she said, OH IT'S NORMAL and I opened my eyes wide and exclaimed, HUH? BUT IT'S BLAAAACCCCKKKK!!! HOW CAN THAT BE NORMAL?! to the time I buzzed her again, Y DOES HE HAVE SESAME SEEDS IN HIS POO? to the time I buzzed her again, Y IS HIS POO YELLOW? to the time I buzzed her again, Y DOESN'T HE STOP CRYING??!!! I bet she must have been jumping and dancing for joy when we left the hospital. HA!
But oh, I remember wheeling him out of the hospital and going in the elevator to bring T home and this kind old lady touched her heart and whispered to me, HOW PRECIOUS. And I smiled back, feeling like the proudest mummy on earth. :) Yeah, how precious indeed. When we brought him home, I'd shine a light on him at night, just to check that he was breathing. I was paranoid of losing him and till today, I still do shine a light on him at night. After going through infertility for 3.5years, I don't want to lose him. Babes says I talk crazy talk. I tell T that when he goes out clubbing late at night when he grows up, I'll wear my shades and hide behind pillars in the club to see what he's up to. And babes says T's friends will be warning him, HEY IS THAT YOUR MAMA HIDING BEHIND THE PILAR? lol. I sing this song by Simple Minds to him (quite often actually), DON'T YOU FORGET ABOUT ME. DON'T DON'T DON'T. My only hope is that he'll still kiss and love his mama (and yes, of course, his dada) when he goes out into the world and that's when I know I have to let him go *sniff sniff* but for now, I want to kiss him and hug him tight every night.
So, yesterday, I started to look through all of T's clothes and I have put aside in a box, labelled birth to 1 year old. I've put in his first outfit he wore after he was born, his first small swaddler, his first toy, his lovely presents given by my generous and lovely infertile friends from the States (I know how hard it must have been for you to shop for T and I really want to thank you from the bottom of my "bottomest" heart) to letters that I had written to him before he was born and I am still writing to him. At the end of every letter, I'd tell him that Dada and Mama love him very much. As I was reading through all the letters, I kept thinking how much we've been through and how much more we're going through. I always end off in my letters to him: Dada and Mama love you and will always do. I want him to know that he can always count on us, no matter what happens and that I will NEVER SHUT him out of my life. How can I?
I know that life is so good for us now. I am scared that it'll be taken away from us. But I have to believe that he has chosen us to be his parents for a reason. And we will treasure and cherish every single moment with him.
After all, we have reached the promised land.
And our hearts are full.
Happy Birthday, my dearest son.
Dada and Mama love you and will always do
