Saturday, October 22, 2011

the journey.

Recently, I was thinking about our journey. The journey that coloured our lives with just shades of black and grey and nothing in between. And how it changed us totally, individually and as a couple.

I didn't think that building a family together would have been this hard. I wish I had a doctor who took me/us seriously when we first sought for help. After being married a year, we decided that we were ready for kids. And I remember we were feeling christmassy cuz it was a month before X'mas. And I remember the first time I saw a negative on my pee stick. It wasn't a big deal. Hey, after all, my friends told me that it took them "a while" to get pregnant - 3months, 6months, some a year.

Ok, so we waited..and waited..and waited.

The wait became a year and nothing. We went to see a fertility specialist in Singapore. A top fertility specialist, mind you WHO DID NOT TAKE US SERIOUSLY BECAUSE OF OUR AGE! He said that we were young. We had just turned 30. He did a few random tests. It was the first time I realised that my pubic private parts were no longer going to be private. My privates became for all to see and though I'd cringe at any male doctor or a group of nurses and doctors who gathered together whilst I laid on the cold operating table for them to see - mah privates were no longer my privates. Anyway, long story short, doctor said go home and have more sex.

So we did. We listened to every advice from friends:
1) Relaxed - lovemaking no longer felt romantic. It was at the back of our minds all the time: THIS TIME IT BETTER WORK.
2) Performed circus acts - I stood on my bloody head so that his sperm would travel better to my eggs. And every act, I was certain, hey I'm gonna have a baby.
3) Changed to boxers - I made hubs change to boxers.
4) Drank poison juice - We went to a Chinese sinseh in Singapore and she "accused" poor babes of being the problem when he wasn't. She made us drink dark murky water which we call it poison juice. It tasted so horrible that having chocolates thereafter didn't do the trick. We spent $2,800 on that freaking juice!
5) Went for holidays - yep, went for holidays, "relaxed" to have sex so a baby could be conceived. Nup, nothing happened.
6) Horny goat wheat - babes went to the pharmacy to ask for horny goat wheat one day and came home like a happy boy who had just found a car toy in the park! He was so sweet to exclaim that he bravely asked the lady pharmacist for it. He said he was going to give me a baby. His sperm would shoot the living daylights out of me. Yep, sure.
7) Changed our diets - yep, we went all organic (bloody expensive!) and ate loads of steamed vegetables. Can't complain. We lost weight.
8) Timed sex - ever had timed sex? Well, we did. I had used the ovulation kits (damned expensive again) almost every month and did the whole temperature thing and I'd call babes from work to say that we were going to have sex that night. Very romantic, indeed.
9) Pictures of babies - I had pictures of babies everywhere so that somehow I'd get pregnant
10) Being poked - we did acupuncture every week for 8months for both of us. Each session was $90 per person. Ouch, indeed.

And then we moved to Perth. Saw a fertility specialist who said she worked once a week cuz she's a working mum. What luck. At that rate, I'd get my menopause faster. Needless to say, our next appointment was 3months later. Ridiculous. We went for further invasive testings, but it was one of the tests that showed what we never knew.

I have endometriosis.

I didn't understand it. I didn't know what to think of it. We were both lost but yet relieved there was an answer. We moved to Melbourne and bless my fertility specialist heart who took us seriously and told me that I need to go for an operation to have it removed. And so I did.

Looking back, I'd wish that I'd known or that somebody would have picked up what was going on in my body earlier. I wouldn't have gone round such a rollercoaster ride or through countries-from Singapore to Australia and then via different states - Perth/Melbourne before we were taken seriously. We were 30 years old when we sought for help and because "normally" at 30, you are still considered fertile.

Although now, I do not get questioned about when I'm going to try for a kid or be a subject of ridicule of our fertility, it does still make me sad that people did mock or made fun of our unfortunate situation. And that there are so many infertile couples out there who do get the same treatment from people who just aren't educated about infertility. Babes best friend said this to babes in front of a group of blokes, Well, I don't know about your sperm, but mine will shoot any girl to become pregnant. And everybody laughed. I didn't find it funny. In the past, I was really quiet when people made jokes like that. But because I was the problem, I felt it necessary to stand up for babes and I said, The problem is not his sperm. The problem lies with me. And then, there was an awkward silence. Once too, a friend said to me if I wanted to borrow her husband's sperm. :( To which I said, I want my husband's child. Not yours. She laughed it off. Really, what was the joke about?

I know there are others who are going through or have gone through a much tougher journey that us. And I know that it can't be easy especially when the yearning for a child is just so deep. There were times when I'd look at my friends' kids and I'd think I want one like that. I want to experience it all. I want to be a mother.I want to feel like a woman who is capable of giving my husband his child. I want to feel normal. I didn't want to feel angry all the time, jealous all the time, sad all the time, worried all the time, didn't want to swear like sailor all the time - the profanity that came out of my mouth was shocking (tho I still swear sometimes! ha!). I just wanted to be a mum.

So, if you know somebody who is going through infertility, or you are going through infertility, here's a campaign that's going on at Redbook which perhaps will give you an insight on the road less travelled:

I love Sherri Shepard:

This video had me bawling big time:

I feel their pain:

I followed Pamela T's blog from 2007 and through her writing, I have found lots of strength and didn't feel so isolated:

And this is the video that I will always remember of Pamela T:
Click here

So why do I still keep talking about infertility and when I ever stop talking about it?

I don't know. I feel like I sound like a broken record here, just talking about it here over and over again. It was just such an experience and journey that will forever be imprinted in my heart forever. The tears do not flow as easy as before but sometimes when I do remember what we went through, there is a slight tug and I look at my son and I feel forever grateful that he has chosen us to be his parents in his life. I know that usually it's a typical Asian thing to just keep your emotions and sweep it under the carpet or simply just bottle it up and move on. But I feel that by writing about it, maybe in time I'll forgive the journey of pain and frustration but doubt I'll ever forget it.

Friday, October 14, 2011

i'll never

i'm pregnant again.

i'm 14.5 weeks pregnant.

it's a gift from God, for I found out 2 weeks before my 36th birthday. To be honest, I never thought that i'd be pregnant again so fast, for I had never fallen pregnant this quickly. In the past, with T, it took us a long, painful journey of 3.5years and then with number 2, we waited for some time too.

with this pregnancy, i've been a bit detached. apart from taking a picture of a pee stick that says I'M PREGNANT, i haven't taken any belly pictures. I haven't planned to buy any baby stuff. I haven't done anything. There isn't much excitement, just fear and hoping, praying that we'll reach the finish line - safe and sound.

i still think of the baby i lost. though the pain may not be as raw and the tears do flow occasionally, i do sometimes think about what could have been. baby 2 would have been a month old today. And my heart does a tug and i think the pain will never go away.. but I am trying to learn to deal with it like a chronic back pain.

In my heart, I will always have 3 children. And some day, when my time comes, I'll see baby number 2 in heaven and tell him/her, that I have never forgotten you and that I always think of you and .... something I wish I could have always told you in person, that I love you, very very very much.

For a mother never forgets her child and will always love him/her unconditionally.

ps. if you're on my fb, pls no mention on fb. we don't intend to say a word until baby is born.