Wednesday, May 26, 2010

number 2

babes and i have been talking more and more about us trying again for number 2. i still haven't my AF yet. Bf-ing has kept her at bay. Night weaning has been harder than i thought. T has been sick the whole of April and is sick again with the cold and cough. I hate cold months. He always gets so sick during the colder months. And whenever he is teething, he gets a cold. So, the boob becomes his comfort zone. Mama here, is very sleep deprived.

Been thinking of giving my fertility specialist a call...soon. Feel that time is ticking for us. I'm worried that it'll take another 3.5years or that it may never happen for us. We worry too about the financial and emotional strain. But I feel that a sibling for T would do him good. What if one day, both of us aren't around anymore, he would at least have someone he can turn to.

So, I've set a dateline. I'll be giving my fertility specialist a call next month. Likelihood of us getting an appointment with him would be in 3 months time. Hopefully by then, I'll get my AF back. T's health would be better. And I think I may need to start thinking about alternative career options when he goes to school in 2014. So, possibly, thinking about going back to school.

A bit scary.

We have so many dreams.

If we can't have another, I know I'll be very sad. But I'm thankful that I have T and I've learnt so much through my experience with infertility. I cherished every second/minute of being pregnant. I loved being big (the bigger the better, I kept saying!), I loved feeling him move and I loved the backaches from carrying him for 37weeks 2 days! ha!

So, please say a prayer for us that maybe, somehow, we'll be blessed with another.

And no, we won't be "relaxing" to get another baby.

ps I still fuckking hate that OH, JUST RELAX AND YOU'LL GET PREGNANT assvice! HATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, May 9, 2010

mother's day.

Mother's Day for infertiles is usually, FUCKING (CRY YOUR HEART OUT LIKE CRAZY) GROUNDHOG DAY. It happens year after year of knowing that the celebration goes past with empty, barren & lonely arms.

I hated Mother's Day, for a varied of reasons. One, I wanted SOOOO MUCH what my friends were having. The warm cuddles, the sweet kisses, the take-my-breath away smiles and yes, i wanted the nights of not sleeping, the crazy changing of nappies, the incessant crying and the getting peed yet. The little things that so many fertiles take for granted - I WANTED IT ALL.

Secondly, I always miss my mum on Mother's Day. I've always wondered what kind of mother I would be. I didn't have my mum around long enough to inspire me, to talk to me, to love me, to give me a hug, to scold me when I was naughty. And I think that's why I behave the way I do now as a mum. I panic whenever T gets sick or whenever I get sick. I fear that I will leave him early which is why I am very anal about doing certain things. I record every single thing that makes him happy, makes him sad, makes him angry. I write funny letters to him so that he would know the kind of childhood he had when he grows up.

Today I sit here, pondering and reflecting Mother's Day. It's a different Mother's Day this year. But I sit here watching three videos:

What IF? A Portrait of Infertility from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.

Happy Mother's Day, to my fellow infertiles who are still on the tumultuous rollercoaster journey to finding your resolution. I can still feel & taste the tears, anguish and sorrow.

To be a mother, one needs to feel the love of a mother.
That to me, tells me that you are already a mum.

To my mum, Happy Mother's Day.

I miss you dearly with my whole heart and really wish you were here.