Thursday, May 10, 2012

I am lucky, I know

Today, we went to see my Obstetrician for the last time. My obstetrician is also my fertility specialist who gave us hope when we thought having kids was impossible and a far-fetched dream. I remember 5 years ago, I had moved to Melbourne and was distraught. We couldn't have kids and after travelling and seeing so many fertility specialists from Singapore to Perth and finally Melbourne, we were just confused, lost and heartbroken. Month after month, years after years, I had never seen a positive sign on my pee stick.

I entered my Obstetrician room today for the last time, for my family is now complete. I entered with mixed feelings, perhaps with a heavy heart and yet, happy for I know how fortunate I am. Heavy heart is because I saw a few infertile couples, sitting and waiting for my doctor. I knew what was going through their minds. I saw a lady, taking a glance at my newborn and she turned away when I gave her a knowing smile. I wanted to tell her, don't give up, though I know "don't give up" would provide little comfort for all they immediately and impatiently want is the resolution that so many fertile couples take for granted - just a baby to hold in their arms.

I gave my Obstetrician a thank you card. He opened the card and said in a very serious quiet tone, You know, many couples out there would give anything you guys have. You have been very lucky. I did nothing. I almost teared. Sometimes, in the midst of my struggles of bringing up 2 kids on my own with no family help except my husband, I take my kids for granted and I do forget how difficult it was to have them in the first place. Before I left, I gave my Obstetrician/fertility specialist a very big tight hug and he returned it. I will forever be indebted to him and I will never forget him. I left the room and looked at my 3 year old son and my newborn. I am so fortunate, I know. My family is now complete and I have reached the finishing line in my infertile hell that I was forced to. I thank God for my kids and I thank him for choosing me to be their mum. He chose a tough cookie like me, for though I was very weak and gave in to so many tears and heartaches, I knew I always wanted to be a mum, no matter what it took. I also thank God for a beautiful and patient man who followed me through this journey, for I couldn't have done it without him. I am no longer bitter, angry, frustrated at the world, sad and lost. I am at peace now. I have 2 beautiful children. Nothing else matters.

Goodbye, infertile hell.

Hello, hope, sunshine and rainbows.

Life is good.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

the 80s

I grew up in the 80s. What an era to grow up in! The best times I'd reckon. The hair, the fashion, the music, the way women were portrayed - think Flashdance, Working Girls, the music, the men - think Sonny Crockett from Miami Vice and the tv shows that I'd watch all the time (I was and erm, still am a tv addict!) - MacGyver, Knight Rider, Quantum Leap, Moonlighting, 21 Jump Street *girlish squeal!*, Family Ties, Growing Pains, Remington Steele, V, Perfect Strangers, Joanie Loves Chachi (not sure if this is 80s but I remember watching it for OBVIOUS REASONS! Hello, Scott Baio!) and man, I could go on!

And then, recently, one of the best vocal singers I grew up with passed away. Whitney Houston. Aw man, I was crushed. I mean, I love Whitney. She went through some really hard times but it was her music and her voice that I will always remember growing up. I was just 8 years old I think when I heard, Saving All My Love and my uncles thought her voice was "rubbish" cuz you know they were used to Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin. While many love her classics, I love the ones that weren't that popular. So, here are my favourite Whitney songs:

I sing this song to T every night. It's a beautiful song and lyrics just so simple and powerful:

RIP, Whitney.

a happy ending.

Whenever an infertile reaches her resolution, I get doubly happy. Because the journey to have that dream of becoming a mum/dad takes lots of hard work, which many fertiles take for granted.

I made friends with B via online blogging when I was going through infertility about 5 years ago, I think. She was going through infertility for some time before I met her and I loved the way she wrote about her experiences and life and dealing with infertility. I could relate to all the emotions she felt. Plus, she has a whacky funny sense of humour. And oh, boy, could she write!

And then, she disappeared from bloggyland. I knew it must have been hard for her but I missed her terribly. But recently, she announced on fb that she has adopted a baby. I screamed with joy and shed happy tears and I could look at her pictures with her new baby, like 100 times a day. It has taken them soooooooooooooo long to reach that resolution. What a journey it has been and so many of us were praying and hoping for her. I am just so happy for them. Beyond words. Both of them are so blessed to have each other and I know that she will love her child so much that she will forever treasure her miracle.

To B, with all my heart, I've missed you so much and I hope someday, we will meet each other.