Sunday, March 20, 2011

a month later

it's been almost a month since we've had the d&c.

the grieving stage was horrible. but it was hard to grieve for long when I have a bubbly, happy toddler who loves to have me around. he turned 2 last week. i've been writing T letters since I found out I was pregnant. I guess, just to remember our journey to have him and also to remember our journey together as a family. In the letter, I wrote how much we love him and talked about his birthday party. I also mentioned about our loss because I had written a letter to him earlier, announcing that he was going to have a sibling.

T still kisses my tummy which is the sweetest thing and says, BAY-BEE?. And I tell him, Bay-bee is in heaven. Sleeping. And he goes, OH and carries on playing with his car toys. He is just so innocent that I am happy he doesn't understand sadness. Perhaps the only sadness is when I tell him we have to go home after he's had his fun at the park.

Babes and I will try again, when we are ready. We'll be seeing our fertility specialist on April 11. Because he is also our OBGYN, he will tell us the results of what went wrong from the sac he took from the d&c. I want to know, and I don't want to know. :(

About a week ago, I saw a friend mentioning on facebook that she was expecting and that her due date was 23 September. Fuck, what are the odds!? Same due date as mine! Surprisingly, I didn't bawl my eyes out. I just sighed and felt a tinge of sadness.

Today, I would have been 14.5 weeks. I don't really want sympathy, you know. I'm still sad. But I was sadder. I'm just saying, that's all. The grief of loss is still there and I have my moments of coulda, woulda, shoulda. HATE.HATE.HATE.INFERTILITY.ARGHS.

I'm unsure whether we will have another child. With infertilty, fuck knows. I'll give ourselves maybe a year, max 2 years and I'll give up our dream to have another child. Deep inside, I know that I'm just really grateful for T.

So, we'll see.

Happy belated birthday, T.

Mama and Dada love you. Forever and ever and ever.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011


For the past few nights, I've been staring at the computer, eating my ice-cream. Indulging in self-pity food.

ice cream tastes fucking good.

When I first found out that I was pregnant with T, I had the camera on a roll. We took pictures of my first pee stick that said - pregnant (I am still keeping that pee stick), first scan of him waving to us, pictures of my tummy growing bigger, pictures of us buying his pram, cot, clothes, and then when he was born, pictures of everything. Our first touch with him, his first day, second day, third day, first week, first month, first smile, first step..and then there will be more pictures to come of his first day at school, first picture of him being a teen, first picture of him being 21 - an adult officially...and pictures of him getting married, and maybe of him having his first child (definitely NO pressures from me about insisting him to have grandchildren!).


Lots of pictures.

And these will become lots of beautiful memories to treasure.

Miscarriage is so hard. When it all comes crashing down around you when you miscarry, you have lost a lifetime of memories. Most people don't know but your life has just completely changed.

My fondest memory of Baby Number 2 is of a picture of a pee stick that says 4 to 5 weeks pregnant.

And that memory stops there.

I long for more memories with Baby Number 2. I really do.

It's been a week since the d&c.

My heart still bleeds and the tears can't stop falling, though they are less often.


Back to eating ice-cream now. *nom nom nom*

Ice cream tastes so fucking good.