a month later

it's been almost a month since we've had the d&c.

the grieving stage was horrible. but it was hard to grieve for long when I have a bubbly, happy toddler who loves to have me around. he turned 2 last week. i've been writing T letters since I found out I was pregnant. I guess, just to remember our journey to have him and also to remember our journey together as a family. In the letter, I wrote how much we love him and talked about his birthday party. I also mentioned about our loss because I had written a letter to him earlier, announcing that he was going to have a sibling.

T still kisses my tummy which is the sweetest thing and says, BAY-BEE?. And I tell him, Bay-bee is in heaven. Sleeping. And he goes, OH and carries on playing with his car toys. He is just so innocent that I am happy he doesn't understand sadness. Perhaps the only sadness is when I tell him we have to go home after he's had his fun at the park.

Babes and I will try again, when we are ready. We'll be seeing our fertility specialist on April 11. Because he is also our OBGYN, he will tell us the results of what went wrong from the sac he took from the d&c. I want to know, and I don't want to know. :(

About a week ago, I saw a friend mentioning on facebook that she was expecting and that her due date was 23 September. Fuck, what are the odds!? Same due date as mine! Surprisingly, I didn't bawl my eyes out. I just sighed and felt a tinge of sadness.

Today, I would have been 14.5 weeks. I don't really want sympathy, you know. I'm still sad. But I was sadder. I'm just saying, that's all. The grief of loss is still there and I have my moments of coulda, woulda, shoulda. HATE.HATE.HATE.INFERTILITY.ARGHS.

I'm unsure whether we will have another child. With infertilty, fuck knows. I'll give ourselves maybe a year, max 2 years and I'll give up our dream to have another child. Deep inside, I know that I'm just really grateful for T.

So, we'll see.



Happy belated birthday, T.

Mama and Dada love you. Forever and ever and ever.