Thursday, May 10, 2012

I am lucky, I know

Today, we went to see my Obstetrician for the last time. My obstetrician is also my fertility specialist who gave us hope when we thought having kids was impossible and a far-fetched dream. I remember 5 years ago, I had moved to Melbourne and was distraught. We couldn't have kids and after travelling and seeing so many fertility specialists from Singapore to Perth and finally Melbourne, we were just confused, lost and heartbroken. Month after month, years after years, I had never seen a positive sign on my pee stick.

I entered my Obstetrician room today for the last time, for my family is now complete. I entered with mixed feelings, perhaps with a heavy heart and yet, happy for I know how fortunate I am. Heavy heart is because I saw a few infertile couples, sitting and waiting for my doctor. I knew what was going through their minds. I saw a lady, taking a glance at my newborn and she turned away when I gave her a knowing smile. I wanted to tell her, don't give up, though I know "don't give up" would provide little comfort for all they immediately and impatiently want is the resolution that so many fertile couples take for granted - just a baby to hold in their arms.

I gave my Obstetrician a thank you card. He opened the card and said in a very serious quiet tone, You know, many couples out there would give anything you guys have. You have been very lucky. I did nothing. I almost teared. Sometimes, in the midst of my struggles of bringing up 2 kids on my own with no family help except my husband, I take my kids for granted and I do forget how difficult it was to have them in the first place. Before I left, I gave my Obstetrician/fertility specialist a very big tight hug and he returned it. I will forever be indebted to him and I will never forget him. I left the room and looked at my 3 year old son and my newborn. I am so fortunate, I know. My family is now complete and I have reached the finishing line in my infertile hell that I was forced to. I thank God for my kids and I thank him for choosing me to be their mum. He chose a tough cookie like me, for though I was very weak and gave in to so many tears and heartaches, I knew I always wanted to be a mum, no matter what it took. I also thank God for a beautiful and patient man who followed me through this journey, for I couldn't have done it without him. I am no longer bitter, angry, frustrated at the world, sad and lost. I am at peace now. I have 2 beautiful children. Nothing else matters.

Goodbye, infertile hell.

Hello, hope, sunshine and rainbows.

Life is good.