Friday, December 30, 2011


When I had lost bub number 2, I couldn't understand the grief nor pain. Afterall, I had gone through and experienced deaths of my mother at a young age and my grandparents who brought me up. All who are no longer around. So, surely, I would know how to better manage death.

Well, I didn't.

Soon, friends stopped asking if I was ok or how I was feeling about it. I guess everybody's busy with their own lives and cuz it's just such a sensitive topic, people would rather avoid it.

But I was hurting.


This was how I felt.

Like I've been ramped over and just as I thought I was ok to stand up and face the world, I felt like I was fucking ramped all over again.

The grief beast was insatiable and he would wrap his bat-like wings around my neck so tight, especially at night that I couldn't breathe. I cried for hours and cried myself to sleep. People say, You have to be happy for your son who is alive; you have to think of yourself and try to live life; you have to be grateful for what you have. I DO. I REALLY DO. I DO THINK OF ALL THAT WAS SAID. But on days when the beast wins, I find myself back to those final heartbreaking moments when they took my baby away on the cold operating table. The beast always reminds me of what I had lost. A lifelong of dreams with my child.

During the first few months, it was hard. I couldn't really talk to strangers. I didn't really feel like meeting anybody because I had grown to loathe words/comments like, MISCARRIAGES ARE COMMON; YOU CAN HAVE ANOTHER CHILD; EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. I wanted to scream, ASK ME HOW I FEEL TODAY, GODAMMNIT!! ASK ME!

Slowly I decided that I couldn't hibernate for long. Because I have T. While the grief beast is still there and as I reflect my 2011 today, I am filled with a myriad of bittersweet moments. Whilst I had lost one child earlier this year, I have another growing in me. When I lost my baby earlier this year, I lost a dream and I lost my light of beautiful memories of how I would hold him/her in my arms when he/she was born in September this year...or how I'd give feel his/her rosy cheeks and give grateful tender kisses...or how I'd witness and hold his/her hand as he/she takes his/her first steps..or how I'd hold him/her hand on his/her first day of school..all the little things that I would never take for granted.

Today, especially, I feel sad again, just when I thought I was over the pain. But it's not a suffocating pain. It's more like, I wish you were here. And as I am typing this, I feel gentle kicks from my belly and am reminded that my darling angel is watching over his/her sibling growing in me and watching over us.

Mummy has never forgotten you. Although I never did get to meet you in person, I hope someday when I do, I'm sure I'll be able to recognise your face and stroke your sweet cheeks, kiss your hair and whisper, I LOVE YOU. ALWAYS HAVE AND ALWAYS WILL.

This song is for my baby whom I lost earlier this year, to T and to my miracle due in March 2012. I love the lyrics:
I was here I lived,
I loved I was here I did,
I've done, everything that I wanted
And it was more than I thought it would be
I will leave my mark so everyone will know I was here

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Infertility Humour?

Well, it's NO laughing matter if you're an infertile.

However, I read this on an ivf forum and thought I'd share:

It’s GREAT to be an Infertile Because…

So what if your uterus’ isn’t behaving! Who cares if your husband’s sperm has more tails than a dog! It doesn’t matter if you’re tubes have no idea how to fallop! Don’t feel sorry for us! There are lots of positive aspects to being an infertile such as….

(1) No awkward sex talk to your future children! Explaining the birds and the bees to our children will be fun! “Little Tommy, when a mommy and a daddy love each other they drive to a fertility clinic and 4 years later, you are conceived with a lot of love and a little test tube.”

(2) By the time you are pregnant, your friends are already finished having kids. You can borrow all their baby stuff (even if they are stained with poop and vomit).

(3) During IVF or IUI, your partner doesn’t even have to be present during conception! Just send him a quick text once it’s done. “Honey, we did it! How was it for you?”

(4) When you go to sleep at night, you still get to sleep through the night.

(5) You get to cry about infertility in random places. Why go to a boring old grocery store if you’re just going to shop. Yawn. Boring. Having a emotional breakdown in the tampon aisle, now that’s interesting!

(6) Your friends all offer to let you have their bratty kids. Great! So don’t be surprised and call the police when you take them. You had a verbal agreement.

(7) When you’re quintuplets arrive, you might get your own television show called IVF Mama Plus Five!

(8) You get to have surgery to help improve your fertility…. The positive side? The hospital offers these delicious pudding cups for lunch! Lip-smacking!

(9) Your friend have stretch marks, sagging breasts and wrinkles. You only have weight gain and acne due to fertility medication.

(10) Whoever said infertility was awful obviously never met your hot fertility doctor! He can inseminate you anytime!

I had to chuckle a bit at number 8. I remember I had my lap done and I was in no mood to eat. Then, the nurse brought me this sandwich which I swear was the most "delicious" cold ham and cheese sandwich I've ever had.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

have a drunken christmas

Infertiles don't like *hate* Christmas for the following reasons:

1) another year gone of no baby
2) another year gone of bruises from their daily injections
3) another year gone of f*%$# with no baby
4) millions of questions being asked from fertile couples at family/friend Xmas dinners - so, when's the baby coming? you guys don't want to have kids? you guys not planning on having kids? what's the delay?
5) hate the shopping malls when everybody's so festive and happy with kids running amok in shopping centres, and taking family pictures with Santa

It's not a joyful time for infertiles.

Happy Drunken Christmas.

Friday, December 16, 2011

when my heart finds christmas

tomorrow's our wedding anniversary.

Been married for 6 years, together for 12 years.

We played this song, When my heart finds Christmas by Harry Connick Jr on our wedding day. Brings back such memories and I love this part of the song:

My heart told me once before
To find my dream and search no more
And when my heart finds christmas
I hope it finds you too

My dream was to find a man who loves me and takes me for my smelly breath, hairy armpits, Diana Ross's mane and to have a baby together with him.

We'be been together through a heartwrenching disease of infertility together and he stood by me. And despite my sadness and fear that I was the problem and was terribly petrified when I couldn't bear him a child, he told me that the problem wasn't mine. He said that the problem was ours and that we would find a way, somehow to find a resolution together.

I love him.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

the journey.

Recently, I was thinking about our journey. The journey that coloured our lives with just shades of black and grey and nothing in between. And how it changed us totally, individually and as a couple.

I didn't think that building a family together would have been this hard. I wish I had a doctor who took me/us seriously when we first sought for help. After being married a year, we decided that we were ready for kids. And I remember we were feeling christmassy cuz it was a month before X'mas. And I remember the first time I saw a negative on my pee stick. It wasn't a big deal. Hey, after all, my friends told me that it took them "a while" to get pregnant - 3months, 6months, some a year.

Ok, so we waited..and waited..and waited.

The wait became a year and nothing. We went to see a fertility specialist in Singapore. A top fertility specialist, mind you WHO DID NOT TAKE US SERIOUSLY BECAUSE OF OUR AGE! He said that we were young. We had just turned 30. He did a few random tests. It was the first time I realised that my pubic private parts were no longer going to be private. My privates became for all to see and though I'd cringe at any male doctor or a group of nurses and doctors who gathered together whilst I laid on the cold operating table for them to see - mah privates were no longer my privates. Anyway, long story short, doctor said go home and have more sex.

So we did. We listened to every advice from friends:
1) Relaxed - lovemaking no longer felt romantic. It was at the back of our minds all the time: THIS TIME IT BETTER WORK.
2) Performed circus acts - I stood on my bloody head so that his sperm would travel better to my eggs. And every act, I was certain, hey I'm gonna have a baby.
3) Changed to boxers - I made hubs change to boxers.
4) Drank poison juice - We went to a Chinese sinseh in Singapore and she "accused" poor babes of being the problem when he wasn't. She made us drink dark murky water which we call it poison juice. It tasted so horrible that having chocolates thereafter didn't do the trick. We spent $2,800 on that freaking juice!
5) Went for holidays - yep, went for holidays, "relaxed" to have sex so a baby could be conceived. Nup, nothing happened.
6) Horny goat wheat - babes went to the pharmacy to ask for horny goat wheat one day and came home like a happy boy who had just found a car toy in the park! He was so sweet to exclaim that he bravely asked the lady pharmacist for it. He said he was going to give me a baby. His sperm would shoot the living daylights out of me. Yep, sure.
7) Changed our diets - yep, we went all organic (bloody expensive!) and ate loads of steamed vegetables. Can't complain. We lost weight.
8) Timed sex - ever had timed sex? Well, we did. I had used the ovulation kits (damned expensive again) almost every month and did the whole temperature thing and I'd call babes from work to say that we were going to have sex that night. Very romantic, indeed.
9) Pictures of babies - I had pictures of babies everywhere so that somehow I'd get pregnant
10) Being poked - we did acupuncture every week for 8months for both of us. Each session was $90 per person. Ouch, indeed.

And then we moved to Perth. Saw a fertility specialist who said she worked once a week cuz she's a working mum. What luck. At that rate, I'd get my menopause faster. Needless to say, our next appointment was 3months later. Ridiculous. We went for further invasive testings, but it was one of the tests that showed what we never knew.

I have endometriosis.

I didn't understand it. I didn't know what to think of it. We were both lost but yet relieved there was an answer. We moved to Melbourne and bless my fertility specialist heart who took us seriously and told me that I need to go for an operation to have it removed. And so I did.

Looking back, I'd wish that I'd known or that somebody would have picked up what was going on in my body earlier. I wouldn't have gone round such a rollercoaster ride or through countries-from Singapore to Australia and then via different states - Perth/Melbourne before we were taken seriously. We were 30 years old when we sought for help and because "normally" at 30, you are still considered fertile.

Although now, I do not get questioned about when I'm going to try for a kid or be a subject of ridicule of our fertility, it does still make me sad that people did mock or made fun of our unfortunate situation. And that there are so many infertile couples out there who do get the same treatment from people who just aren't educated about infertility. Babes best friend said this to babes in front of a group of blokes, Well, I don't know about your sperm, but mine will shoot any girl to become pregnant. And everybody laughed. I didn't find it funny. In the past, I was really quiet when people made jokes like that. But because I was the problem, I felt it necessary to stand up for babes and I said, The problem is not his sperm. The problem lies with me. And then, there was an awkward silence. Once too, a friend said to me if I wanted to borrow her husband's sperm. :( To which I said, I want my husband's child. Not yours. She laughed it off. Really, what was the joke about?

I know there are others who are going through or have gone through a much tougher journey that us. And I know that it can't be easy especially when the yearning for a child is just so deep. There were times when I'd look at my friends' kids and I'd think I want one like that. I want to experience it all. I want to be a mother.I want to feel like a woman who is capable of giving my husband his child. I want to feel normal. I didn't want to feel angry all the time, jealous all the time, sad all the time, worried all the time, didn't want to swear like sailor all the time - the profanity that came out of my mouth was shocking (tho I still swear sometimes! ha!). I just wanted to be a mum.

So, if you know somebody who is going through infertility, or you are going through infertility, here's a campaign that's going on at Redbook which perhaps will give you an insight on the road less travelled:

I love Sherri Shepard:

This video had me bawling big time:

I feel their pain:

I followed Pamela T's blog from 2007 and through her writing, I have found lots of strength and didn't feel so isolated:

And this is the video that I will always remember of Pamela T:
Click here

So why do I still keep talking about infertility and when I ever stop talking about it?

I don't know. I feel like I sound like a broken record here, just talking about it here over and over again. It was just such an experience and journey that will forever be imprinted in my heart forever. The tears do not flow as easy as before but sometimes when I do remember what we went through, there is a slight tug and I look at my son and I feel forever grateful that he has chosen us to be his parents in his life. I know that usually it's a typical Asian thing to just keep your emotions and sweep it under the carpet or simply just bottle it up and move on. But I feel that by writing about it, maybe in time I'll forgive the journey of pain and frustration but doubt I'll ever forget it.

Friday, October 14, 2011

i'll never

i'm pregnant again.

i'm 14.5 weeks pregnant.

it's a gift from God, for I found out 2 weeks before my 36th birthday. To be honest, I never thought that i'd be pregnant again so fast, for I had never fallen pregnant this quickly. In the past, with T, it took us a long, painful journey of 3.5years and then with number 2, we waited for some time too.

with this pregnancy, i've been a bit detached. apart from taking a picture of a pee stick that says I'M PREGNANT, i haven't taken any belly pictures. I haven't planned to buy any baby stuff. I haven't done anything. There isn't much excitement, just fear and hoping, praying that we'll reach the finish line - safe and sound.

i still think of the baby i lost. though the pain may not be as raw and the tears do flow occasionally, i do sometimes think about what could have been. baby 2 would have been a month old today. And my heart does a tug and i think the pain will never go away.. but I am trying to learn to deal with it like a chronic back pain.

In my heart, I will always have 3 children. And some day, when my time comes, I'll see baby number 2 in heaven and tell him/her, that I have never forgotten you and that I always think of you and .... something I wish I could have always told you in person, that I love you, very very very much.

For a mother never forgets her child and will always love him/her unconditionally.

ps. if you're on my fb, pls no mention on fb. we don't intend to say a word until baby is born.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Goodnight, my angel.

I've been feeling a little (very) emotional lately.

Friday, 16 September would have been my due date.

There could have been a baby, waiting for us.

I shan't say anymore but let the lyrics of this song show how I feel.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

so hard to read this.

i read this today and cried my heart out. for a 2 year old toddler girl whom i don't even know. she was beaten up by her drunken father and as she pleaded with him, DADDY, DADDY, he just hit her even harder.

she is now dead.

if only she was given to me, i would give her all my heart and love.

she's with God now and in safe hands.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

are they or are they not?

Recently, we drove up to the country and stayed in a friend's family holiday home during the Easter break. We felt like kings and queens in that family home! Everything about it looked, smelt and tasted expensive!!!!! I slept in Ralph Lauren sheets and wiped my ass after my bath in Ralph Lauren towels!!!!!!! :)

Anyway, there were other couples there too. Mostly with kids except one couple. They said that they didn't want kids and in my dreary tired mind after having chased T for 6hours, I mumbled, HMMMM.... cuz sub-consciously, I thought, Yeah I've used that excuse before, when people asked us if we were EVER gonna have kids after having been married for 3 years. I didn't contribute much in the conversation, partly cuz I was tired and also I didn't want to intrude. Hey, I know what's it like when people kept pestering us if we were going to have kids. But as the other couples interrogated them, I couldn't help feel defensive for the couple and wanted to shout, HEY BACK OFF! GIVE THEM A BREAK! And as each couple shared about their how long it took them to get pregnant, pregnancy stories, children stories, I became really bored and at the corner of my eye, I saw that "I-chose-to-be-child-free" woman stifle a yawn. Yep, both of us were bored and somehow, she managed to convince me that they really didn't want kids.

So, on the last day, we were all rushing to pack up and head home, which can be so chaotic with kids running around, I saw T running towards me, and he was laughing. He wanted to give me a schweet boy. And then at the corner of my eye, I saw the "I-chose-to-be-child-free" woman look at us and gave us a smile. I thought I recognised the "Gosh, I want a child too but can't have" longing look. I wanted to say, I know what you're feeling. But I didn't.

And till today, I do wonder sometimes, are they or are they not?



Monday, June 6, 2011

been through it and don't want to go through it again.

Sometime around this time of the year, in June 2008, I was counting down to my first IVF. I had gone through a lap, after being diagnosed with infertility - endo, with the works - polyps, fibroids, ovarian cysts. The 3 years of not getting pregnant and then with a diagnosis, seriously freaked me out. Deep down I was so so so so so so scared that I would never experience motherhood.

I resorted to blogging because I didn't know who to turn to or if anybody was going through the same. Nobody understood what I was going through, nor did I expect them to. I made a few bloggy friends and some I'm still in contact with them.

Recently, I went through my blog list of Just Me and realised that so many are no longer blogging. I wonder what happened to them. Have they finally had a chance to meet their resolutions in their journey with infertility? Or are they still on this lonely path?

I admit that the last 2years after having T, I haven't really been blogging. I've been consumed with motherhood. It is a whole lot harder when you're doing this alone with no family help or any help, in a foreign country. I know, excuses, but honestly, true. It's 6.20am, and my down time is now before the madness starts in the morning 7am attill 9pm and then I start to clean the house and prepare his day time activities for the next day till 1am and finally I go to bed. But I love the madness because i wouldn't change it for the world.

Babes and I are talking again about trying again. Maybe later part of this year. My heart's not healed but I am willing to give it another go. It so longs for another pair of arms to go round me at night, it so longs for another kiss on the other cheek, and it so longs for the love in the eyes that I see from T.

But if we can't have another child again, then it's ok. I'll close the chapter because I don't want to be sad and to go through the infertility of why me days again.

But the chapter's not ready to be closed so we'll see.

and hope for hope again.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

do we try again?

Our fertility specialist has given us the go ahead to try for another baby after the 2nd month of my period. Well, 2nd month has come and gone. We haven't really been talking about trying again. T still touches my tummy daily to ask for his "bay-bee" and it doesn't hit me in the guts anymore when he says that. It's a numb sadness that I feel.

But sometimes there's just that, WHAT IF WE DON'T QUICKLY TRY NOW OR IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN? fear that I feel from my infertility days.I know I am very blessed to have T but I also know that I do want another one, for T's sake. Somehow I feel that we'll be here in Australia for good so I would like a sibling for T. Somebody he can count on, somebody he can go to for help or support if anything should happen to both babes and myself since he doesn't have any other family members to depend on. Plus I grew up as an only child and it was pretty lonely.

But my heart's not ready but the practical side of me says that I should try sooner rather than later.

I just wish it didn't have to be so difficult.

Times like these I just wish that the beauty of conception be that simple for us.

I just wish that I'm fertile.

Friday, May 6, 2011


Singaporeans will be voting tomorrow. Being away from Singapore for almost 4 years, I don't really keep in touch with the Singapore news anymore, apart from Jamie Yeo having had an affair and dumping that loud mouth deejay and getting married to an English dude, or is he American?

Anyways, from what I hear, it's the first time that people, or rather, the younger generation who may want a different system, a system to be heard & open. I lived with a system where we had to follow rules. Though some of them I am grateful for, many I disagree.

I was shocked when I saw an election here in Australia for the first time. The existing government was immediately thrown off and taken away by another party. So, this is what keeping the government in check was all about! So different from Singapore where it was my system, my way, you just jolly well live with it.

I have lived in two different countries. Whilst I miss things like getting foreign help so cheaply to things like being able to run downstairs to get a plate of chicken rice to having CPF and knowing you can use it for your housing instalment, there are so many reasons why we won't go back to Singapore - for now, or perhaps forever.

Our life here is good. With infertility, doctors here are better. We were better informed of our disease and were better educated about how to treat it. Babes comes home by 5.30pm and gets to spend at least 3hours before T goes to bed. I get to be a SAHM here to enjoy and treasure being with T. If we were to go back, both of us would have to work as babes's occupation has been overtaken by foreigners in Singapore and was told to take a paycut when we were in Singapore..or that his position would simply go to a foreigner who is willing to take a lower salary. We could not survive on his salary alone in Singapore :(

When we went back to Singapore last year after 3.5years of being away, we felt that Singapore is a different Singapore for us. So many tall buildings, everywhere was just so congested, houses are so close by that you wouldn't dare let go a fart for fear your neighbour might hear you - ok, so i exaggerate about the closeness...

Being in Melbourne now for the past 3 years, we are perhaps more used to the beach now where we live, used to seeing beautiful trees; our neighbours are just next to us but yet we have our own privacy - we are divided by our gardens, we are so used to being able to drive up to the country to enjoy some country life and hear the cows moo and the horses fart, oops, i mean neigh, more used to hearing a horn beep to say hello and goodbye, rather than seeing an annoyed handwave as to why you are driving so slowly in Singapore!..and we have our own circle of friends now and we really, really, like it's a life we've come to embrace.

Babes and I were talking recently if we would go back to Singapore to live. We're unsure. We'll take it day by day and see how it go..but for us, Melbourne is home now and we have T.... And it's the best place to be.

Thursday, April 14, 2011


well, we met up with our FS on Monday and found out why the miscarriage happened. The sac that they took for testing showed that it had 92 chromosomes and most likely that 2 sperms had entered the egg. He said that the m/c was rare and whilst it could happen to anybody but given my age (though I aint that old just yet), just over 36 years old, the chances of a m/c is higher.

But that doesn't mean we won't try again.

We will, perhaps, when my heart has healed. The tears have stopped freely and I am able to enjoy being with T again. Time and again, almost everyday, he still touches my tummy and asks, BAY-BEE? but i tell him that baby is in heaven.

I'm in an acceptance stage of what has happened. It's been 2 months of grieving. I know that when my due date comes in September, I'd probably be sad again but I want to focus on the NOW which is being happy with T.

NOW is good and I am lucky and know that I am blessed for NOW.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

a month later

it's been almost a month since we've had the d&c.

the grieving stage was horrible. but it was hard to grieve for long when I have a bubbly, happy toddler who loves to have me around. he turned 2 last week. i've been writing T letters since I found out I was pregnant. I guess, just to remember our journey to have him and also to remember our journey together as a family. In the letter, I wrote how much we love him and talked about his birthday party. I also mentioned about our loss because I had written a letter to him earlier, announcing that he was going to have a sibling.

T still kisses my tummy which is the sweetest thing and says, BAY-BEE?. And I tell him, Bay-bee is in heaven. Sleeping. And he goes, OH and carries on playing with his car toys. He is just so innocent that I am happy he doesn't understand sadness. Perhaps the only sadness is when I tell him we have to go home after he's had his fun at the park.

Babes and I will try again, when we are ready. We'll be seeing our fertility specialist on April 11. Because he is also our OBGYN, he will tell us the results of what went wrong from the sac he took from the d&c. I want to know, and I don't want to know. :(

About a week ago, I saw a friend mentioning on facebook that she was expecting and that her due date was 23 September. Fuck, what are the odds!? Same due date as mine! Surprisingly, I didn't bawl my eyes out. I just sighed and felt a tinge of sadness.

Today, I would have been 14.5 weeks. I don't really want sympathy, you know. I'm still sad. But I was sadder. I'm just saying, that's all. The grief of loss is still there and I have my moments of coulda, woulda, shoulda. HATE.HATE.HATE.INFERTILITY.ARGHS.

I'm unsure whether we will have another child. With infertilty, fuck knows. I'll give ourselves maybe a year, max 2 years and I'll give up our dream to have another child. Deep inside, I know that I'm just really grateful for T.

So, we'll see.

Happy belated birthday, T.

Mama and Dada love you. Forever and ever and ever.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011


For the past few nights, I've been staring at the computer, eating my ice-cream. Indulging in self-pity food.

ice cream tastes fucking good.

When I first found out that I was pregnant with T, I had the camera on a roll. We took pictures of my first pee stick that said - pregnant (I am still keeping that pee stick), first scan of him waving to us, pictures of my tummy growing bigger, pictures of us buying his pram, cot, clothes, and then when he was born, pictures of everything. Our first touch with him, his first day, second day, third day, first week, first month, first smile, first step..and then there will be more pictures to come of his first day at school, first picture of him being a teen, first picture of him being 21 - an adult officially...and pictures of him getting married, and maybe of him having his first child (definitely NO pressures from me about insisting him to have grandchildren!).


Lots of pictures.

And these will become lots of beautiful memories to treasure.

Miscarriage is so hard. When it all comes crashing down around you when you miscarry, you have lost a lifetime of memories. Most people don't know but your life has just completely changed.

My fondest memory of Baby Number 2 is of a picture of a pee stick that says 4 to 5 weeks pregnant.

And that memory stops there.

I long for more memories with Baby Number 2. I really do.

It's been a week since the d&c.

My heart still bleeds and the tears can't stop falling, though they are less often.


Back to eating ice-cream now. *nom nom nom*

Ice cream tastes so fucking good.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

butterflies are free to fly, and so they fly away.

On Feb 23, the sonographer confirmed that the pregnancy wasn't going to be a successful one. Before he scanned me internally, he whispered, I know you're anxious and I whispered back, Yes, with a trickle of tear falling down, for I knew what he would find. No heartbeat, no fetus.

I was 9 weeks, 1 day.

Confused, anger, resentment, gut-wrenching sadness took over.

I rolled my eyes over and I started sobbing.

We waited for him to call my fertility specialist to decide what the next steps were. The clock ticked ever so slowly. Because I had T with me, it was hard waiting and I had to put on a happy face for him.

We decided to leave after 30minutes as T was getting impatient. We went for a walk along the park. Babes was running around with T and I sat down and lamented what a journey we've had to have T. Seeing specialist after specialist from Singapore, to Perth to Melbourne to find out what was wrong with us - why we couldn't conceive, only to have finally given us the reason and having him has been our miracle that I know we are both grateful for.

Because I was already showing at 7 weeks, a few friends knew I was pregnant. And some of them tried to "console" me after they knew I was down and out that, "It just wasn't meant to be". Since my infertility days, I have always hated that, "it just wasn't meant to be". does it give one comfort, knowing how much they want that dream to have a child? do you tell somebody who is going chemo and losing their lives, It just wasn't meant to be that you can't be here for your children. or do you tell somebody who is wheel-bound, it just wasn't meant to be that you don't have legs. It's the lost of a dream, lost of a flicker of hope, lost of what many many people take things for granted - lost of happiness in life. Because infertility and going through a miscarriage draws you and sucks you into a realm of depression so strong that sometimes even the strongest finds themselves so lost in this labyrinth of darkness and gloom.

As I laid on the operating table yesterday to have my d&c again (the first one was in 2008 when I had to remove my endo, ovarian cysts, uterine fibroids and polyps), I cried hysterically. I had never felt so empty in my whole life. I knew that this was it. The anaesthetist who remembers me (he was my anaesthetist when I did my lap in 2008) and nurses were fantastic. They rubbed my head and wiped my tears away and consoled me like I would console T with ssshing, in time, you'll be ok.

Yes, to many, this pregnancy for us, wasn't meant to be.

On a flipside, it was.

It was meant to be that for an infertile girl like me, that I was given the opportunity (and it was just such an experience that I know so many fertiles out there take this for granted), to be able to conceive naturally, just this one time. It's like striking 4D/lotto for infertiles.

It was a beautiful, beautiful beautiful experience - no medical intervention, no stranger to have my legs opened to see what was wrong, no cold tools to go into my vagina.

Yes, we feel robbed of this pregnancy, of this dream.

Yes, we are sad.

Yes, we are both such emotional wrecks.

Yes, our hearts are just so broken.

Yes, our vision's just so blurry and they are just filled with tears.

And Yes, we will be ok...... in time

To my husband my son who have been kissing my tummy everyday to tell me that they love me, I know that it's meant to be you are here for me, through good and bad times.

I love you, babes and T. Today, tomorrow and everyday.

Monday, February 14, 2011

very sad today

we went for our 1st scan, feeling excited, wondering if it was 1 bub or 2 bubs.

we didn't expect to be told the following:

1) no heartbeat
2) it only showed that i'm 5 weeks pregnant.

been bawling my eyes out. but i know i have to put on a very happy face for T. He can't see me in this state.

will go in next week to see if we can find a heartbeat and if bub has grown.

i'm sad. scared.......

Sunday, January 23, 2011

yes, i am.

yes, i am.

4 weeks pg.

i'm cautiously (ok, fucking ecstatic) happy.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

do you see what i see?

two lines.

tomorow i test the idiot proof that says PREGNANT and NOT PREGNANT.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

what's next?

yes, we're still trying..

last month, i tested on the 19th of dec and it was a negative. and then, my AF came on 20th dec. fuck.

and then i hear a few friends who announce that they are pregnant with their 2nd child or have given birth to their 2nd child. went to a mother's group gathering and all i heard was, are you trying? are you trying? i lie with a straight face, ERM, NO! because unlike previously when i told the whole fucking world that i was trying, they kept remarking that i've put on weight and could it be cuz i'm pregnant?! fuck you!

on another note, T had a very scary fall recently! it broke my heart and i went ballistic crazy cuz he had a seizure after his fall! i toally bawled my eyes out and am in tears now cuz i feel that i've failed as his mother to protect him

i love my baby too much.