When I had lost bub number 2, I couldn't understand the grief nor pain. Afterall, I had gone through and experienced deaths of my mother at a young age and my grandparents who brought me up. All who are no longer around. So, surely, I would know how to better manage death.
Well, I didn't.
Soon, friends stopped asking if I was ok or how I was feeling about it. I guess everybody's busy with their own lives and cuz it's just such a sensitive topic, people would rather avoid it.
But I was hurting.
This was how I felt.
Like I've been ramped over and just as I thought I was ok to stand up and face the world, I felt like I was fucking ramped all over again.
The grief beast was insatiable and he would wrap his bat-like wings around my neck so tight, especially at night that I couldn't breathe. I cried for hours and cried myself to sleep. People say, You have to be happy for your son who is alive; you have to think of yourself and try to live life; you have to be grateful for what you have. I DO. I REALLY DO. I DO THINK OF ALL THAT WAS SAID. But on days when the beast wins, I find myself back to those final heartbreaking moments when they took my baby away on the cold operating table. The beast always reminds me of what I had lost. A lifelong of dreams with my child.
During the first few months, it was hard. I couldn't really talk to strangers. I didn't really feel like meeting anybody because I had grown to loathe words/comments like, MISCARRIAGES ARE COMMON; YOU CAN HAVE ANOTHER CHILD; EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. I wanted to scream, ASK ME HOW I FEEL TODAY, GODAMMNIT!! ASK ME!
Slowly I decided that I couldn't hibernate for long. Because I have T. While the grief beast is still there and as I reflect my 2011 today, I am filled with a myriad of bittersweet moments. Whilst I had lost one child earlier this year, I have another growing in me. When I lost my baby earlier this year, I lost a dream and I lost my light of beautiful memories of how I would hold him/her in my arms when he/she was born in September this year...or how I'd give feel his/her rosy cheeks and give grateful tender kisses...or how I'd witness and hold his/her hand as he/she takes his/her first steps..or how I'd hold him/her hand on his/her first day of school..all the little things that I would never take for granted.
Today, especially, I feel sad again, just when I thought I was over the pain. But it's not a suffocating pain. It's more like, I wish you were here. And as I am typing this, I feel gentle kicks from my belly and am reminded that my darling angel is watching over his/her sibling growing in me and watching over us.
Mummy has never forgotten you. Although I never did get to meet you in person, I hope someday when I do, I'm sure I'll be able to recognise your face and stroke your sweet cheeks, kiss your hair and whisper, I LOVE YOU. ALWAYS HAVE AND ALWAYS WILL.
This song is for my baby whom I lost earlier this year, to T and to my miracle due in March 2012. I love the lyrics:
I was here I lived,
I loved I was here I did,
I've done, everything that I wanted
And it was more than I thought it would be
I will leave my mark so everyone will know I was here