Thursday, May 10, 2012

I am lucky, I know

Today, we went to see my Obstetrician for the last time. My obstetrician is also my fertility specialist who gave us hope when we thought having kids was impossible and a far-fetched dream. I remember 5 years ago, I had moved to Melbourne and was distraught. We couldn't have kids and after travelling and seeing so many fertility specialists from Singapore to Perth and finally Melbourne, we were just confused, lost and heartbroken. Month after month, years after years, I had never seen a positive sign on my pee stick.

I entered my Obstetrician room today for the last time, for my family is now complete. I entered with mixed feelings, perhaps with a heavy heart and yet, happy for I know how fortunate I am. Heavy heart is because I saw a few infertile couples, sitting and waiting for my doctor. I knew what was going through their minds. I saw a lady, taking a glance at my newborn and she turned away when I gave her a knowing smile. I wanted to tell her, don't give up, though I know "don't give up" would provide little comfort for all they immediately and impatiently want is the resolution that so many fertile couples take for granted - just a baby to hold in their arms.

I gave my Obstetrician a thank you card. He opened the card and said in a very serious quiet tone, You know, many couples out there would give anything you guys have. You have been very lucky. I did nothing. I almost teared. Sometimes, in the midst of my struggles of bringing up 2 kids on my own with no family help except my husband, I take my kids for granted and I do forget how difficult it was to have them in the first place. Before I left, I gave my Obstetrician/fertility specialist a very big tight hug and he returned it. I will forever be indebted to him and I will never forget him. I left the room and looked at my 3 year old son and my newborn. I am so fortunate, I know. My family is now complete and I have reached the finishing line in my infertile hell that I was forced to. I thank God for my kids and I thank him for choosing me to be their mum. He chose a tough cookie like me, for though I was very weak and gave in to so many tears and heartaches, I knew I always wanted to be a mum, no matter what it took. I also thank God for a beautiful and patient man who followed me through this journey, for I couldn't have done it without him. I am no longer bitter, angry, frustrated at the world, sad and lost. I am at peace now. I have 2 beautiful children. Nothing else matters.

Goodbye, infertile hell.

Hello, hope, sunshine and rainbows.

Life is good.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

the 80s

I grew up in the 80s. What an era to grow up in! The best times I'd reckon. The hair, the fashion, the music, the way women were portrayed - think Flashdance, Working Girls, the music, the men - think Sonny Crockett from Miami Vice and the tv shows that I'd watch all the time (I was and erm, still am a tv addict!) - MacGyver, Knight Rider, Quantum Leap, Moonlighting, 21 Jump Street *girlish squeal!*, Family Ties, Growing Pains, Remington Steele, V, Perfect Strangers, Joanie Loves Chachi (not sure if this is 80s but I remember watching it for OBVIOUS REASONS! Hello, Scott Baio!) and man, I could go on!

And then, recently, one of the best vocal singers I grew up with passed away. Whitney Houston. Aw man, I was crushed. I mean, I love Whitney. She went through some really hard times but it was her music and her voice that I will always remember growing up. I was just 8 years old I think when I heard, Saving All My Love and my uncles thought her voice was "rubbish" cuz you know they were used to Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin. While many love her classics, I love the ones that weren't that popular. So, here are my favourite Whitney songs:

I sing this song to T every night. It's a beautiful song and lyrics just so simple and powerful:

RIP, Whitney.

a happy ending.

Whenever an infertile reaches her resolution, I get doubly happy. Because the journey to have that dream of becoming a mum/dad takes lots of hard work, which many fertiles take for granted.

I made friends with B via online blogging when I was going through infertility about 5 years ago, I think. She was going through infertility for some time before I met her and I loved the way she wrote about her experiences and life and dealing with infertility. I could relate to all the emotions she felt. Plus, she has a whacky funny sense of humour. And oh, boy, could she write!

And then, she disappeared from bloggyland. I knew it must have been hard for her but I missed her terribly. But recently, she announced on fb that she has adopted a baby. I screamed with joy and shed happy tears and I could look at her pictures with her new baby, like 100 times a day. It has taken them soooooooooooooo long to reach that resolution. What a journey it has been and so many of us were praying and hoping for her. I am just so happy for them. Beyond words. Both of them are so blessed to have each other and I know that she will love her child so much that she will forever treasure her miracle.

To B, with all my heart, I've missed you so much and I hope someday, we will meet each other.

Friday, December 30, 2011


When I had lost bub number 2, I couldn't understand the grief nor pain. Afterall, I had gone through and experienced deaths of my mother at a young age and my grandparents who brought me up. All who are no longer around. So, surely, I would know how to better manage death.

Well, I didn't.

Soon, friends stopped asking if I was ok or how I was feeling about it. I guess everybody's busy with their own lives and cuz it's just such a sensitive topic, people would rather avoid it.

But I was hurting.


This was how I felt.

Like I've been ramped over and just as I thought I was ok to stand up and face the world, I felt like I was fucking ramped all over again.

The grief beast was insatiable and he would wrap his bat-like wings around my neck so tight, especially at night that I couldn't breathe. I cried for hours and cried myself to sleep. People say, You have to be happy for your son who is alive; you have to think of yourself and try to live life; you have to be grateful for what you have. I DO. I REALLY DO. I DO THINK OF ALL THAT WAS SAID. But on days when the beast wins, I find myself back to those final heartbreaking moments when they took my baby away on the cold operating table. The beast always reminds me of what I had lost. A lifelong of dreams with my child.

During the first few months, it was hard. I couldn't really talk to strangers. I didn't really feel like meeting anybody because I had grown to loathe words/comments like, MISCARRIAGES ARE COMMON; YOU CAN HAVE ANOTHER CHILD; EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. I wanted to scream, ASK ME HOW I FEEL TODAY, GODAMMNIT!! ASK ME!

Slowly I decided that I couldn't hibernate for long. Because I have T. While the grief beast is still there and as I reflect my 2011 today, I am filled with a myriad of bittersweet moments. Whilst I had lost one child earlier this year, I have another growing in me. When I lost my baby earlier this year, I lost a dream and I lost my light of beautiful memories of how I would hold him/her in my arms when he/she was born in September this year...or how I'd give feel his/her rosy cheeks and give grateful tender kisses...or how I'd witness and hold his/her hand as he/she takes his/her first steps..or how I'd hold him/her hand on his/her first day of school..all the little things that I would never take for granted.

Today, especially, I feel sad again, just when I thought I was over the pain. But it's not a suffocating pain. It's more like, I wish you were here. And as I am typing this, I feel gentle kicks from my belly and am reminded that my darling angel is watching over his/her sibling growing in me and watching over us.

Mummy has never forgotten you. Although I never did get to meet you in person, I hope someday when I do, I'm sure I'll be able to recognise your face and stroke your sweet cheeks, kiss your hair and whisper, I LOVE YOU. ALWAYS HAVE AND ALWAYS WILL.

This song is for my baby whom I lost earlier this year, to T and to my miracle due in March 2012. I love the lyrics:
I was here I lived,
I loved I was here I did,
I've done, everything that I wanted
And it was more than I thought it would be
I will leave my mark so everyone will know I was here

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Infertility Humour?

Well, it's NO laughing matter if you're an infertile.

However, I read this on an ivf forum and thought I'd share:

It’s GREAT to be an Infertile Because…

So what if your uterus’ isn’t behaving! Who cares if your husband’s sperm has more tails than a dog! It doesn’t matter if you’re tubes have no idea how to fallop! Don’t feel sorry for us! There are lots of positive aspects to being an infertile such as….

(1) No awkward sex talk to your future children! Explaining the birds and the bees to our children will be fun! “Little Tommy, when a mommy and a daddy love each other they drive to a fertility clinic and 4 years later, you are conceived with a lot of love and a little test tube.”

(2) By the time you are pregnant, your friends are already finished having kids. You can borrow all their baby stuff (even if they are stained with poop and vomit).

(3) During IVF or IUI, your partner doesn’t even have to be present during conception! Just send him a quick text once it’s done. “Honey, we did it! How was it for you?”

(4) When you go to sleep at night, you still get to sleep through the night.

(5) You get to cry about infertility in random places. Why go to a boring old grocery store if you’re just going to shop. Yawn. Boring. Having a emotional breakdown in the tampon aisle, now that’s interesting!

(6) Your friends all offer to let you have their bratty kids. Great! So don’t be surprised and call the police when you take them. You had a verbal agreement.

(7) When you’re quintuplets arrive, you might get your own television show called IVF Mama Plus Five!

(8) You get to have surgery to help improve your fertility…. The positive side? The hospital offers these delicious pudding cups for lunch! Lip-smacking!

(9) Your friend have stretch marks, sagging breasts and wrinkles. You only have weight gain and acne due to fertility medication.

(10) Whoever said infertility was awful obviously never met your hot fertility doctor! He can inseminate you anytime!

I had to chuckle a bit at number 8. I remember I had my lap done and I was in no mood to eat. Then, the nurse brought me this sandwich which I swear was the most "delicious" cold ham and cheese sandwich I've ever had.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

have a drunken christmas

Infertiles don't like *hate* Christmas for the following reasons:

1) another year gone of no baby
2) another year gone of bruises from their daily injections
3) another year gone of f*%$# with no baby
4) millions of questions being asked from fertile couples at family/friend Xmas dinners - so, when's the baby coming? you guys don't want to have kids? you guys not planning on having kids? what's the delay?
5) hate the shopping malls when everybody's so festive and happy with kids running amok in shopping centres, and taking family pictures with Santa

It's not a joyful time for infertiles.

Happy Drunken Christmas.

Friday, December 16, 2011

when my heart finds christmas

tomorrow's our wedding anniversary.

Been married for 6 years, together for 12 years.

We played this song, When my heart finds Christmas by Harry Connick Jr on our wedding day. Brings back such memories and I love this part of the song:

My heart told me once before
To find my dream and search no more
And when my heart finds christmas
I hope it finds you too

My dream was to find a man who loves me and takes me for my smelly breath, hairy armpits, Diana Ross's mane and to have a baby together with him.

We'be been together through a heartwrenching disease of infertility together and he stood by me. And despite my sadness and fear that I was the problem and was terribly petrified when I couldn't bear him a child, he told me that the problem wasn't mine. He said that the problem was ours and that we would find a way, somehow to find a resolution together.

I love him.