Friday, December 30, 2011


When I had lost bub number 2, I couldn't understand the grief nor pain. Afterall, I had gone through and experienced deaths of my mother at a young age and my grandparents who brought me up. All who are no longer around. So, surely, I would know how to better manage death.

Well, I didn't.

Soon, friends stopped asking if I was ok or how I was feeling about it. I guess everybody's busy with their own lives and cuz it's just such a sensitive topic, people would rather avoid it.

But I was hurting.


This was how I felt.

Like I've been ramped over and just as I thought I was ok to stand up and face the world, I felt like I was fucking ramped all over again.

The grief beast was insatiable and he would wrap his bat-like wings around my neck so tight, especially at night that I couldn't breathe. I cried for hours and cried myself to sleep. People say, You have to be happy for your son who is alive; you have to think of yourself and try to live life; you have to be grateful for what you have. I DO. I REALLY DO. I DO THINK OF ALL THAT WAS SAID. But on days when the beast wins, I find myself back to those final heartbreaking moments when they took my baby away on the cold operating table. The beast always reminds me of what I had lost. A lifelong of dreams with my child.

During the first few months, it was hard. I couldn't really talk to strangers. I didn't really feel like meeting anybody because I had grown to loathe words/comments like, MISCARRIAGES ARE COMMON; YOU CAN HAVE ANOTHER CHILD; EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. I wanted to scream, ASK ME HOW I FEEL TODAY, GODAMMNIT!! ASK ME!

Slowly I decided that I couldn't hibernate for long. Because I have T. While the grief beast is still there and as I reflect my 2011 today, I am filled with a myriad of bittersweet moments. Whilst I had lost one child earlier this year, I have another growing in me. When I lost my baby earlier this year, I lost a dream and I lost my light of beautiful memories of how I would hold him/her in my arms when he/she was born in September this year...or how I'd give feel his/her rosy cheeks and give grateful tender kisses...or how I'd witness and hold his/her hand as he/she takes his/her first steps..or how I'd hold him/her hand on his/her first day of school..all the little things that I would never take for granted.

Today, especially, I feel sad again, just when I thought I was over the pain. But it's not a suffocating pain. It's more like, I wish you were here. And as I am typing this, I feel gentle kicks from my belly and am reminded that my darling angel is watching over his/her sibling growing in me and watching over us.

Mummy has never forgotten you. Although I never did get to meet you in person, I hope someday when I do, I'm sure I'll be able to recognise your face and stroke your sweet cheeks, kiss your hair and whisper, I LOVE YOU. ALWAYS HAVE AND ALWAYS WILL.

This song is for my baby whom I lost earlier this year, to T and to my miracle due in March 2012. I love the lyrics:
I was here I lived,
I loved I was here I did,
I've done, everything that I wanted
And it was more than I thought it would be
I will leave my mark so everyone will know I was here

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Infertility Humour?

Well, it's NO laughing matter if you're an infertile.

However, I read this on an ivf forum and thought I'd share:

It’s GREAT to be an Infertile Because…

So what if your uterus’ isn’t behaving! Who cares if your husband’s sperm has more tails than a dog! It doesn’t matter if you’re tubes have no idea how to fallop! Don’t feel sorry for us! There are lots of positive aspects to being an infertile such as….

(1) No awkward sex talk to your future children! Explaining the birds and the bees to our children will be fun! “Little Tommy, when a mommy and a daddy love each other they drive to a fertility clinic and 4 years later, you are conceived with a lot of love and a little test tube.”

(2) By the time you are pregnant, your friends are already finished having kids. You can borrow all their baby stuff (even if they are stained with poop and vomit).

(3) During IVF or IUI, your partner doesn’t even have to be present during conception! Just send him a quick text once it’s done. “Honey, we did it! How was it for you?”

(4) When you go to sleep at night, you still get to sleep through the night.

(5) You get to cry about infertility in random places. Why go to a boring old grocery store if you’re just going to shop. Yawn. Boring. Having a emotional breakdown in the tampon aisle, now that’s interesting!

(6) Your friends all offer to let you have their bratty kids. Great! So don’t be surprised and call the police when you take them. You had a verbal agreement.

(7) When you’re quintuplets arrive, you might get your own television show called IVF Mama Plus Five!

(8) You get to have surgery to help improve your fertility…. The positive side? The hospital offers these delicious pudding cups for lunch! Lip-smacking!

(9) Your friend have stretch marks, sagging breasts and wrinkles. You only have weight gain and acne due to fertility medication.

(10) Whoever said infertility was awful obviously never met your hot fertility doctor! He can inseminate you anytime!

I had to chuckle a bit at number 8. I remember I had my lap done and I was in no mood to eat. Then, the nurse brought me this sandwich which I swear was the most "delicious" cold ham and cheese sandwich I've ever had.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

have a drunken christmas

Infertiles don't like *hate* Christmas for the following reasons:

1) another year gone of no baby
2) another year gone of bruises from their daily injections
3) another year gone of f*%$# with no baby
4) millions of questions being asked from fertile couples at family/friend Xmas dinners - so, when's the baby coming? you guys don't want to have kids? you guys not planning on having kids? what's the delay?
5) hate the shopping malls when everybody's so festive and happy with kids running amok in shopping centres, and taking family pictures with Santa

It's not a joyful time for infertiles.

Happy Drunken Christmas.

Friday, December 16, 2011

when my heart finds christmas

tomorrow's our wedding anniversary.

Been married for 6 years, together for 12 years.

We played this song, When my heart finds Christmas by Harry Connick Jr on our wedding day. Brings back such memories and I love this part of the song:

My heart told me once before
To find my dream and search no more
And when my heart finds christmas
I hope it finds you too

My dream was to find a man who loves me and takes me for my smelly breath, hairy armpits, Diana Ross's mane and to have a baby together with him.

We'be been together through a heartwrenching disease of infertility together and he stood by me. And despite my sadness and fear that I was the problem and was terribly petrified when I couldn't bear him a child, he told me that the problem wasn't mine. He said that the problem was ours and that we would find a way, somehow to find a resolution together.

I love him.