Tuesday, June 28, 2011

so hard to read this.

i read this today and cried my heart out. for a 2 year old toddler girl whom i don't even know. she was beaten up by her drunken father and as she pleaded with him, DADDY, DADDY, he just hit her even harder.

she is now dead.

if only she was given to me, i would give her all my heart and love.

she's with God now and in safe hands.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

are they or are they not?

Recently, we drove up to the country and stayed in a friend's family holiday home during the Easter break. We felt like kings and queens in that family home! Everything about it looked, smelt and tasted expensive!!!!! I slept in Ralph Lauren sheets and wiped my ass after my bath in Ralph Lauren towels!!!!!!! :)

Anyway, there were other couples there too. Mostly with kids except one couple. They said that they didn't want kids and in my dreary tired mind after having chased T for 6hours, I mumbled, HMMMM.... cuz sub-consciously, I thought, Yeah I've used that excuse before, when people asked us if we were EVER gonna have kids after having been married for 3 years. I didn't contribute much in the conversation, partly cuz I was tired and also I didn't want to intrude. Hey, I know what's it like when people kept pestering us if we were going to have kids. But as the other couples interrogated them, I couldn't help feel defensive for the couple and wanted to shout, HEY BACK OFF! GIVE THEM A BREAK! And as each couple shared about their how long it took them to get pregnant, pregnancy stories, children stories, I became really bored and at the corner of my eye, I saw that "I-chose-to-be-child-free" woman stifle a yawn. Yep, both of us were bored and somehow, she managed to convince me that they really didn't want kids.

So, on the last day, we were all rushing to pack up and head home, which can be so chaotic with kids running around, I saw T running towards me, and he was laughing. He wanted to give me a hug....my schweet boy. And then at the corner of my eye, I saw the "I-chose-to-be-child-free" woman look at us and gave us a smile. I thought I recognised the "Gosh, I want a child too but can't have" longing look. I wanted to say, I know what you're feeling. But I didn't.

And till today, I do wonder sometimes, are they or are they not?



Monday, June 6, 2011

been through it and don't want to go through it again.

Sometime around this time of the year, in June 2008, I was counting down to my first IVF. I had gone through a lap, after being diagnosed with infertility - endo, with the works - polyps, fibroids, ovarian cysts. The 3 years of not getting pregnant and then with a diagnosis, seriously freaked me out. Deep down I was so so so so so so scared that I would never experience motherhood.

I resorted to blogging because I didn't know who to turn to or if anybody was going through the same. Nobody understood what I was going through, nor did I expect them to. I made a few bloggy friends and some I'm still in contact with them.

Recently, I went through my blog list of Just Me and realised that so many are no longer blogging. I wonder what happened to them. Have they finally had a chance to meet their resolutions in their journey with infertility? Or are they still on this lonely path?

I admit that the last 2years after having T, I haven't really been blogging. I've been consumed with motherhood. It is a whole lot harder when you're doing this alone with no family help or any help, in a foreign country. I know, excuses, but honestly, true. It's 6.20am, and my down time is now before the madness starts in the morning 7am attill 9pm and then I start to clean the house and prepare his day time activities for the next day till 1am and finally I go to bed. But I love the madness because i wouldn't change it for the world.

Babes and I are talking again about trying again. Maybe later part of this year. My heart's not healed but I am willing to give it another go. It so longs for another pair of arms to go round me at night, it so longs for another kiss on the other cheek, and it so longs for the love in the eyes that I see from T.

But if we can't have another child again, then it's ok. I'll close the chapter because I don't want to be sad and to go through the infertility of why me days again.

But the chapter's not ready to be closed so we'll see.

and hope for hope again.