breastfeeding.

i have been breastfeeding for 12.5months. WOO-HOO!

How did I get to 12.5months??!!! I DON'T FUCKING KNOW! In the early days of breastfeeding, I thought, we'll try for one month. I didn't really care if he was formula fed or breastfed. Just as long as he had milk and was thriving. And somehow everything seemed to fall in place. It was hard in the beginning. With my war wounds from my c-section, it was hard holding him and putting him on my belly, though we had bought a breastfeeding cushion. But babes pushed me to breastfeed and we had several visits to the lactation consultants. Emotionally, I was tired. Physically, I was tired. So, I don't know how I lasted this long.

At my 6.5weeks checkup with my fertility specialist, he told me that I should ideally breastfeed T for 6months to keep my endo at bay. Hmmm.... maybe that's why I was determined to try my best.

When T was first placed on my breast, I remember him moving his hands around my tummy. It was like as if he knew he was living in there for 9months! Just before he sleeps, he would place his one hand on my heart and the other on my tummy. Till today, he still does that before he sleeps.

(Excuse the tears as I write this!) It's the best feeling ever!

But we have decided to slowly wean him off for the next 6months. I want to do it slowly so that he doesn't feel abandoned/upset/frustrated. We are thinking that maybe we would like to try for number 2 again. AF hasn't made her appearance yet and I think breastfeeding is keeping her away. For the first time in a long time, I think I may just welcome her with open arms.

I don't think I'm ready yet to give up breastfeeding. Friends back home think I'm weird that I'm still breastfeeding. They feel that it's wrong to breastfeed after 6months. Anyway, i never gave two hoots to what people say. I survived 3.5years of MAYBE IF YOU JUST RELAX assvice that now I have an automatic switch-off mode when somebody tries to preach that what I'm doing is wrong.

I know I'll be very sad once I stop breastfeeding. He is just growing up so fast, exploring the world and walking and talking and it's so hard to even get a hug these days that perhaps the only thing that I am holding on is this closeness that we have. I know that I'll have to close this chapter of our lives and move on to another chapter.




But we have 6months.

And I will treasure and cherish the next 6months....

......and keep them locked in my heart.