two lines.
tomorow i test the idiot proof that says PREGNANT and NOT PREGNANT.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
what's next?
yes, we're still trying..
last month, i tested on the 19th of dec and it was a negative. and then, my AF came on 20th dec. fuck.
and then i hear a few friends who announce that they are pregnant with their 2nd child or have given birth to their 2nd child. went to a mother's group gathering and all i heard was, are you trying? are you trying? i lie with a straight face, ERM, NO! because unlike previously when i told the whole fucking world that i was trying, they kept remarking that i've put on weight and could it be cuz i'm pregnant?! fuck you!
on another note, T had a very scary fall recently! it broke my heart and i went ballistic crazy cuz he had a seizure after his fall! i toally bawled my eyes out and am in tears now cuz i feel that i've failed as his mother to protect him
i love my baby too much.
last month, i tested on the 19th of dec and it was a negative. and then, my AF came on 20th dec. fuck.
and then i hear a few friends who announce that they are pregnant with their 2nd child or have given birth to their 2nd child. went to a mother's group gathering and all i heard was, are you trying? are you trying? i lie with a straight face, ERM, NO! because unlike previously when i told the whole fucking world that i was trying, they kept remarking that i've put on weight and could it be cuz i'm pregnant?! fuck you!
on another note, T had a very scary fall recently! it broke my heart and i went ballistic crazy cuz he had a seizure after his fall! i toally bawled my eyes out and am in tears now cuz i feel that i've failed as his mother to protect him
i love my baby too much.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
a new year
T is asleep and I can finally get a bit of ME time.
Just come to realise that the year is coming to an end.
With a child, each year goes by so fast. When you're going through infertility, the year goes by painfully slow.
And I know that usually it's during X'mas time, infertiles feel the pain even more. With screaming childrean the shopping malls, mothers buying presents for their kids, strained gatherings when people prob, why aren't you having a baby?, it's just a fucking horrible time. Christmas becomes - fuck you, i don't need Christmas. I remember once somebody made a crude joke and asked if I wanted to use her husband's sperm. I didn't know which was better - to punch her face, eyes, mouth, ears or maybe just to gag her.
I don't think I will ever forgive nor forget the pain of infertility. It's a cycle. I get angry, I find inner peace, I cry sometimes, and then I find myself losing over this battle of emotions. The broken pieces are still there.
So, if you know of anybody who is going through infertility, pls read this or maybe during x'mas this year, if you notice that a couple friend who hasn't had a baby after being married for some time, the best is not to ask, SO, WHEN IS THE BABY COMING? Not everybody is as fertile as you. Not everybody gets pregnant by just looking at their husband's penises like you. Not everybody gets 4 children in their lives. Not everybody gets pregnant the old fashion way.
So, are they or are they not, you might wonder this X'mas? They may just be going through infertility, and trust me, it's the toughest time of the year, apart from Mother's Day.
It won't be a merry good time this Christmas for infertiles. I wish you lots of drinking (to drown your pain and sorrow) and lots of warm hugs.
Here's the article from Resolve. I posted this article in my previous blog.
Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.
Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.
The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.
As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.
A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:
•They will eventually conceive a baby.
•They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
•They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.
Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.
Don't Tell Them to Relax Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.
Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.
These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.
Don't Minimize the Problem Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.
Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.
Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?
Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.
People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.
Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.
Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"
Don't Be Crude It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.
Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.
The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.
Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."
I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.
Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.
Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.
Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.
Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.
Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.
Don't Push Adoption (Yet) Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.
You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.
Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.
So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.
Let Them Know That You Care The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.
Remember Them on Mother's Day With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.
Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.
Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.
Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.
Just come to realise that the year is coming to an end.
With a child, each year goes by so fast. When you're going through infertility, the year goes by painfully slow.
And I know that usually it's during X'mas time, infertiles feel the pain even more. With screaming childrean the shopping malls, mothers buying presents for their kids, strained gatherings when people prob, why aren't you having a baby?, it's just a fucking horrible time. Christmas becomes - fuck you, i don't need Christmas. I remember once somebody made a crude joke and asked if I wanted to use her husband's sperm. I didn't know which was better - to punch her face, eyes, mouth, ears or maybe just to gag her.
I don't think I will ever forgive nor forget the pain of infertility. It's a cycle. I get angry, I find inner peace, I cry sometimes, and then I find myself losing over this battle of emotions. The broken pieces are still there.
So, if you know of anybody who is going through infertility, pls read this or maybe during x'mas this year, if you notice that a couple friend who hasn't had a baby after being married for some time, the best is not to ask, SO, WHEN IS THE BABY COMING? Not everybody is as fertile as you. Not everybody gets pregnant by just looking at their husband's penises like you. Not everybody gets 4 children in their lives. Not everybody gets pregnant the old fashion way.
So, are they or are they not, you might wonder this X'mas? They may just be going through infertility, and trust me, it's the toughest time of the year, apart from Mother's Day.
It won't be a merry good time this Christmas for infertiles. I wish you lots of drinking (to drown your pain and sorrow) and lots of warm hugs.
Here's the article from Resolve. I posted this article in my previous blog.
Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.
Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.
The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.
As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.
A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:
•They will eventually conceive a baby.
•They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
•They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.
Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.
Don't Tell Them to Relax Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.
Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.
These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.
Don't Minimize the Problem Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.
Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.
Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?
Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.
People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.
Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.
Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"
Don't Be Crude It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.
Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.
The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.
Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."
I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.
Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.
Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.
Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.
Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.
Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.
Don't Push Adoption (Yet) Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.
You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.
Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.
So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.
Let Them Know That You Care The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.
Remember Them on Mother's Day With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.
Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.
Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.
Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.
Friday, November 26, 2010
grateful.
Today, I have a beautiful 20month old boy who yells out MAMA-MAMA-MAMA-MAMA in a busy shopping mall.
My heart swells, does a big flippty-flop and I am grateful. VERY.
Although we didn't get pregnant last month, I know that I am very lucky to have him. There are so many couples out there, still on the ttc-fuck-when's-it-gonna-be-my-turn-to-get-pregnant wagon. He is the reason why I am smiling today. He took me out of depression when I was trying so hard to conceive.
I love him to bits. I would very much love to give him a sibling.
I pray, that just one more time....... pls let me be pregnant.
My heart swells, does a big flippty-flop and I am grateful. VERY.
Although we didn't get pregnant last month, I know that I am very lucky to have him. There are so many couples out there, still on the ttc-fuck-when's-it-gonna-be-my-turn-to-get-pregnant wagon. He is the reason why I am smiling today. He took me out of depression when I was trying so hard to conceive.
I love him to bits. I would very much love to give him a sibling.
I pray, that just one more time....... pls let me be pregnant.
Friday, November 19, 2010
negative
i haven't been blogging. t runs like the wind, the house is a perpetual tsunami and by 9pm, i'm dog tired. :(
but....despite all the lack of energy, we're back to the "having sex every other day" to get pregnant again. We're trying again. Just naturally first and then go on the clomid within the next 3 months. I have the prescription with me. Just not ready to take it yet to get my clomood kill the day.
I tested last night.
It was negative.
That old familiar stab hit me again.
Fucking, fucking painful. And i threw the stick into the bin with a 'hmmph'.
dejavu.
we try again. next month.
but....despite all the lack of energy, we're back to the "having sex every other day" to get pregnant again. We're trying again. Just naturally first and then go on the clomid within the next 3 months. I have the prescription with me. Just not ready to take it yet to get my clomood kill the day.
I tested last night.
It was negative.
That old familiar stab hit me again.
Fucking, fucking painful. And i threw the stick into the bin with a 'hmmph'.
dejavu.
we try again. next month.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Am I a Good Mother?
Fucking darn YES.
...although there are moments when I feel that I'm not.
Being a mother is probably the most challenging job in the whole world. I do not take any day for granted. After all, I fought for 3.5years with infertility to be a mum. I love being a mum. I truly believe in everything I do (though not always so), from breastfeeding my son to co-sleeping. The decisions that I make are good for us FOR NOW. It may not seem so in future but they work for us NOW.
Why am I writing this? Because lately, I've been getting some flak from friends about my soft parenting ways. I have never told anybody how they should parent their child. So, one of them who is giving me some well meaning assvice is my good friend. She is no longer my bestie cuz somehow we've just drifted apart. But we do call each other occasionally. Lately, she keeps asking me in a tone that annoys me, ARE YOU STILL BREASTFEDING HIM? WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO STOP? She made me feel like a freak to still be breastfeeding a 16month old toddler. Initially, I was defensive and said that it was hard to wean him off. And then I became tired to even explain what a breastfeeding relationship is all about. Babes says that I have mellowed a lot cuz if somebody had pissed me off in the past, I'd just bite back. But lately, I'm just really so sleep deprived that it's not funny.
I was inspired lately by 2 posts (pls have a read!):
1. Don't Muddy Your Milk: Shame, Valour, and Breastfeeding
2. Parenting 101
------------------------------------------------
I summoned up my courage and at 11.45pm last night, I wrote her an email:
hi,
I've been meaning to write and time is never on my side. i'm sure time is neither on your side too, so it's ok, i perfectly understand.
Anyways, I hope you don't mind me saying this but I hope in future you won't ask me, SO ARE YOU STILL BREASTFEEDING? in a tone that makes me feel very ashamed. You keep remarking that because I am not working (thus, I have all the time in the world and am sooo free) and that because I have only 1 child so it makes breastfeeding very easy for me.
It is not. Because you have not had a breastfeeding relationship with both your kids until this age you do not understand what a breastfeeding relationship is. Your comments have brought a lot of unnecessary stress to both T and me. To me, I feel that sleep is a peaceful thing and to create such stress on a young child by letting him cry out loud and clinging on to me is not something that I can do. It's very heartbreaking for me. and when I hear such comments from you and friends who do not understand what we go through, it makes me doubt myself as a mother and think that maybe what I'm doing is wrong.
I have spoken to mothers who have breastfed their children and their kids weaned in their time. I do hope that T will wean but I'd like to do it with love. To me, crying out loud is not for me and T.
I hope you will read this article:
http://www.nursingfreedom.org/2010/08/dont-muddy-your-milk-shame-valour-and.html#comment-form
We are all good mothers - you and me. I have always respected how you choose to mother/parent your children even though sometimes I may not agree with some of your decisions.
I hope you respect mine too.
--------------------------------------------------
And after I clicked send, I felt so relieved. It felt so darn good to stand up for myself and for my son. I am not a freak to still be breastfeeding my son. I should be proud of myself that our breastfeeding relationship has lasted this long! In fact, I didn't even think I could last a day when I first started breastfeeding cuz the early days were just too darn hard!
I have been through infertility. And one of the lessons that I've learnt with infertility is to respect people's decisions. So whether you are a mother who is breastfeeding, formula-feeding, co-sleeping or not, doing the crying out loud, you do what is best for you and your family. Some of us are just thrown with more challenges than others. We have our good days and we have our bad days. It is OK because it makes us who we are. What kind of world would we be in if everyday is just a groundhog day of diamonds and roses? (lovely, i might add!) There are days when I go through my post-infertile blues and wish that I was a fertile and that I don't have a ticking time bomb going tick tick tick tick cuz I desperately want a number 2 and not knowing if I'll be lucky enough to have another miracle in my life. There are days when I wish I had more time alone to myself but there are days when I think that after fighting for so long to be a mum, I just want to wrap all these precious moments in my heart that I have with T because I know my time with him alone is so short. He is only so little in such a short time. Soon, he will no longer want to hold my hand. Soon, he will leave the house. Soon, he will be his own man and soon, he will make his own decisions that he will feel right for his own family.
I am a GOOD mother. NO, I'm a GREAT mother.
Remember...
''To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.''
T is and will always be, my world.
...although there are moments when I feel that I'm not.
Being a mother is probably the most challenging job in the whole world. I do not take any day for granted. After all, I fought for 3.5years with infertility to be a mum. I love being a mum. I truly believe in everything I do (though not always so), from breastfeeding my son to co-sleeping. The decisions that I make are good for us FOR NOW. It may not seem so in future but they work for us NOW.
Why am I writing this? Because lately, I've been getting some flak from friends about my soft parenting ways. I have never told anybody how they should parent their child. So, one of them who is giving me some well meaning assvice is my good friend. She is no longer my bestie cuz somehow we've just drifted apart. But we do call each other occasionally. Lately, she keeps asking me in a tone that annoys me, ARE YOU STILL BREASTFEDING HIM? WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO STOP? She made me feel like a freak to still be breastfeeding a 16month old toddler. Initially, I was defensive and said that it was hard to wean him off. And then I became tired to even explain what a breastfeeding relationship is all about. Babes says that I have mellowed a lot cuz if somebody had pissed me off in the past, I'd just bite back. But lately, I'm just really so sleep deprived that it's not funny.
I was inspired lately by 2 posts (pls have a read!):
1. Don't Muddy Your Milk: Shame, Valour, and Breastfeeding
2. Parenting 101
------------------------------------------------
I summoned up my courage and at 11.45pm last night, I wrote her an email:
hi,
I've been meaning to write and time is never on my side. i'm sure time is neither on your side too, so it's ok, i perfectly understand.
Anyways, I hope you don't mind me saying this but I hope in future you won't ask me, SO ARE YOU STILL BREASTFEEDING? in a tone that makes me feel very ashamed. You keep remarking that because I am not working (thus, I have all the time in the world and am sooo free) and that because I have only 1 child so it makes breastfeeding very easy for me.
It is not. Because you have not had a breastfeeding relationship with both your kids until this age you do not understand what a breastfeeding relationship is. Your comments have brought a lot of unnecessary stress to both T and me. To me, I feel that sleep is a peaceful thing and to create such stress on a young child by letting him cry out loud and clinging on to me is not something that I can do. It's very heartbreaking for me. and when I hear such comments from you and friends who do not understand what we go through, it makes me doubt myself as a mother and think that maybe what I'm doing is wrong.
I have spoken to mothers who have breastfed their children and their kids weaned in their time. I do hope that T will wean but I'd like to do it with love. To me, crying out loud is not for me and T.
I hope you will read this article:
http://www.nursingfreedom.org/2010/08/dont-muddy-your-milk-shame-valour-and.html#comment-form
We are all good mothers - you and me. I have always respected how you choose to mother/parent your children even though sometimes I may not agree with some of your decisions.
I hope you respect mine too.
--------------------------------------------------
And after I clicked send, I felt so relieved. It felt so darn good to stand up for myself and for my son. I am not a freak to still be breastfeeding my son. I should be proud of myself that our breastfeeding relationship has lasted this long! In fact, I didn't even think I could last a day when I first started breastfeeding cuz the early days were just too darn hard!
I have been through infertility. And one of the lessons that I've learnt with infertility is to respect people's decisions. So whether you are a mother who is breastfeeding, formula-feeding, co-sleeping or not, doing the crying out loud, you do what is best for you and your family. Some of us are just thrown with more challenges than others. We have our good days and we have our bad days. It is OK because it makes us who we are. What kind of world would we be in if everyday is just a groundhog day of diamonds and roses? (lovely, i might add!) There are days when I go through my post-infertile blues and wish that I was a fertile and that I don't have a ticking time bomb going tick tick tick tick cuz I desperately want a number 2 and not knowing if I'll be lucky enough to have another miracle in my life. There are days when I wish I had more time alone to myself but there are days when I think that after fighting for so long to be a mum, I just want to wrap all these precious moments in my heart that I have with T because I know my time with him alone is so short. He is only so little in such a short time. Soon, he will no longer want to hold my hand. Soon, he will leave the house. Soon, he will be his own man and soon, he will make his own decisions that he will feel right for his own family.
I am a GOOD mother. NO, I'm a GREAT mother.
Remember...
''To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.''
T is and will always be, my world.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
it's a no-go
we've decided that we won't try for number 2 - for now.
financially, we're very tight. we are still paying our mortgage back home in singapore. we are still renting here in australia. houses here cost more than half a million. we don't have that. so we have to wait for our house back home to sell before we can finally have a deposit to buy a house here in australia. we really want to have a house on our own here. We hope that with the house sold, we could also hire some help if i were to be preggers with number 2.
it sucks. i was all geared up to try again. most of my friends who had gone through fertility treatments and had given birth around the same as me are either preggers with number 2 or on their way for their next ivf cycle. i know that with our last lesson learnt with infertility, you never know what to expect. it could take another 1 year, 3 years, 10 years, or probably never to get pregnant again.
i really want a sibling for T. I'm sad.
i fucking hate infertility.
and hate it that fertiles have it easy.
but T's smile is enough to brighten any storm for me.
So, we wait.
rant over.
financially, we're very tight. we are still paying our mortgage back home in singapore. we are still renting here in australia. houses here cost more than half a million. we don't have that. so we have to wait for our house back home to sell before we can finally have a deposit to buy a house here in australia. we really want to have a house on our own here. We hope that with the house sold, we could also hire some help if i were to be preggers with number 2.
it sucks. i was all geared up to try again. most of my friends who had gone through fertility treatments and had given birth around the same as me are either preggers with number 2 or on their way for their next ivf cycle. i know that with our last lesson learnt with infertility, you never know what to expect. it could take another 1 year, 3 years, 10 years, or probably never to get pregnant again.
i really want a sibling for T. I'm sad.
i fucking hate infertility.
and hate it that fertiles have it easy.
but T's smile is enough to brighten any storm for me.
So, we wait.
rant over.
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