a new year

T is asleep and I can finally get a bit of ME time.

Just come to realise that the year is coming to an end.

With a child, each year goes by so fast. When you're going through infertility, the year goes by painfully slow.

And I know that usually it's during X'mas time, infertiles feel the pain even more. With screaming childrean the shopping malls, mothers buying presents for their kids, strained gatherings when people prob, why aren't you having a baby?, it's just a fucking horrible time. Christmas becomes - fuck you, i don't need Christmas. I remember once somebody made a crude joke and asked if I wanted to use her husband's sperm. I didn't know which was better - to punch her face, eyes, mouth, ears or maybe just to gag her.

I don't think I will ever forgive nor forget the pain of infertility. It's a cycle. I get angry, I find inner peace, I cry sometimes, and then I find myself losing over this battle of emotions. The broken pieces are still there.

So, if you know of anybody who is going through infertility, pls read this or maybe during x'mas this year, if you notice that a couple friend who hasn't had a baby after being married for some time, the best is not to ask, SO, WHEN IS THE BABY COMING? Not everybody is as fertile as you. Not everybody gets pregnant by just looking at their husband's penises like you. Not everybody gets 4 children in their lives. Not everybody gets pregnant the old fashion way.

So, are they or are they not, you might wonder this X'mas? They may just be going through infertility, and trust me, it's the toughest time of the year, apart from Mother's Day.


It won't be a merry good time this Christmas for infertiles. I wish you lots of drinking (to drown your pain and sorrow) and lots of warm hugs.

Here's the article from Resolve. I posted this article in my previous blog.

Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.

A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:
•They will eventually conceive a baby.
•They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
•They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.

Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

Don't Tell Them to Relax Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.

Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Don't Minimize the Problem Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?

Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.

People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"

Don't Be Crude It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.

The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."

I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.

Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.

Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.

Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.

Don't Push Adoption (Yet) Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.

You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.

Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.

So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.

Let Them Know That You Care The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.

Remember Them on Mother's Day With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.

Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.

Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.

grateful.

Today, I have a beautiful 20month old boy who yells out MAMA-MAMA-MAMA-MAMA in a busy shopping mall.

My heart swells, does a big flippty-flop and I am grateful. VERY.

Although we didn't get pregnant last month, I know that I am very lucky to have him. There are so many couples out there, still on the ttc-fuck-when's-it-gonna-be-my-turn-to-get-pregnant wagon. He is the reason why I am smiling today. He took me out of depression when I was trying so hard to conceive.

I love him to bits. I would very much love to give him a sibling.

I pray, that just one more time....... pls let me be pregnant.

negative

i haven't been blogging. t runs like the wind, the house is a perpetual tsunami and by 9pm, i'm dog tired. :(

but....despite all the lack of energy, we're back to the "having sex every other day" to get pregnant again. We're trying again. Just naturally first and then go on the clomid within the next 3 months. I have the prescription with me. Just not ready to take it yet to get my clomood kill the day.

I tested last night.

It was negative.

That old familiar stab hit me again.

Fucking, fucking painful. And i threw the stick into the bin with a 'hmmph'.

dejavu.

we try again. next month.

Am I a Good Mother?

Fucking darn YES.

...although there are moments when I feel that I'm not.

Being a mother is probably the most challenging job in the whole world. I do not take any day for granted. After all, I fought for 3.5years with infertility to be a mum. I love being a mum. I truly believe in everything I do (though not always so), from breastfeeding my son to co-sleeping. The decisions that I make are good for us FOR NOW. It may not seem so in future but they work for us NOW.

Why am I writing this? Because lately, I've been getting some flak from friends about my soft parenting ways. I have never told anybody how they should parent their child. So, one of them who is giving me some well meaning assvice is my good friend. She is no longer my bestie cuz somehow we've just drifted apart. But we do call each other occasionally. Lately, she keeps asking me in a tone that annoys me, ARE YOU STILL BREASTFEDING HIM? WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO STOP? She made me feel like a freak to still be breastfeeding a 16month old toddler. Initially, I was defensive and said that it was hard to wean him off. And then I became tired to even explain what a breastfeeding relationship is all about. Babes says that I have mellowed a lot cuz if somebody had pissed me off in the past, I'd just bite back. But lately, I'm just really so sleep deprived that it's not funny.

I was inspired lately by 2 posts (pls have a read!):
1. Don't Muddy Your Milk: Shame, Valour, and Breastfeeding
2. Parenting 101

------------------------------------------------

I summoned up my courage and at 11.45pm last night, I wrote her an email:
hi,

I've been meaning to write and time is never on my side. i'm sure time is neither on your side too, so it's ok, i perfectly understand.

Anyways, I hope you don't mind me saying this but I hope in future you won't ask me, SO ARE YOU STILL BREASTFEEDING? in a tone that makes me feel very ashamed. You keep remarking that because I am not working (thus, I have all the time in the world and am sooo free) and that because I have only 1 child so it makes breastfeeding very easy for me.

It is not. Because you have not had a breastfeeding relationship with both your kids until this age you do not understand what a breastfeeding relationship is. Your comments have brought a lot of unnecessary stress to both T and me. To me, I feel that sleep is a peaceful thing and to create such stress on a young child by letting him cry out loud and clinging on to me is not something that I can do. It's very heartbreaking for me. and when I hear such comments from you and friends who do not understand what we go through, it makes me doubt myself as a mother and think that maybe what I'm doing is wrong.

I have spoken to mothers who have breastfed their children and their kids weaned in their time. I do hope that T will wean but I'd like to do it with love. To me, crying out loud is not for me and T.

I hope you will read this article:
http://www.nursingfreedom.org/2010/08/dont-muddy-your-milk-shame-valour-and.html#comment-form

We are all good mothers - you and me. I have always respected how you choose to mother/parent your children even though sometimes I may not agree with some of your decisions.

I hope you respect mine too.

--------------------------------------------------

And after I clicked send, I felt so relieved. It felt so darn good to stand up for myself and for my son. I am not a freak to still be breastfeeding my son. I should be proud of myself that our breastfeeding relationship has lasted this long! In fact, I didn't even think I could last a day when I first started breastfeeding cuz the early days were just too darn hard!

I have been through infertility. And one of the lessons that I've learnt with infertility is to respect people's decisions. So whether you are a mother who is breastfeeding, formula-feeding, co-sleeping or not, doing the crying out loud, you do what is best for you and your family. Some of us are just thrown with more challenges than others. We have our good days and we have our bad days. It is OK because it makes us who we are. What kind of world would we be in if everyday is just a groundhog day of diamonds and roses? (lovely, i might add!) There are days when I go through my post-infertile blues and wish that I was a fertile and that I don't have a ticking time bomb going tick tick tick tick cuz I desperately want a number 2 and not knowing if I'll be lucky enough to have another miracle in my life. There are days when I wish I had more time alone to myself but there are days when I think that after fighting for so long to be a mum, I just want to wrap all these precious moments in my heart that I have with T because I know my time with him alone is so short. He is only so little in such a short time. Soon, he will no longer want to hold my hand. Soon, he will leave the house. Soon, he will be his own man and soon, he will make his own decisions that he will feel right for his own family.




I am a GOOD mother. NO, I'm a GREAT mother.

Remember...
''To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.''



T is and will always be, my world.

it's a no-go

we've decided that we won't try for number 2 - for now.

financially, we're very tight. we are still paying our mortgage back home in singapore. we are still renting here in australia. houses here cost more than half a million. we don't have that. so we have to wait for our house back home to sell before we can finally have a deposit to buy a house here in australia. we really want to have a house on our own here. We hope that with the house sold, we could also hire some help if i were to be preggers with number 2.

it sucks. i was all geared up to try again. most of my friends who had gone through fertility treatments and had given birth around the same as me are either preggers with number 2 or on their way for their next ivf cycle. i know that with our last lesson learnt with infertility, you never know what to expect. it could take another 1 year, 3 years, 10 years, or probably never to get pregnant again.

i really want a sibling for T. I'm sad.

i fucking hate infertility.

and hate it that fertiles have it easy.

but T's smile is enough to brighten any storm for me.

So, we wait.

rant over.

waka-waka

2 years ago, i did everything to get pg.

I bellly-bopped.
I yodelled.
I screamed.
I chanted.
I kept babbling, FINGERS CROSSED FINGERS CROSSED.
I touched DH's penis for good luck.
I POAS almost everyday(peed on a stick. just to explain for the benefit of my fertile readers).
I rapped.
I cheered.

Gosh, i fucking did everything.

But this year, i'd like to do something different.

I'll be waka-waka-ing.

Yep, gonna do the waka dance to hopefully get pg.

Counting down the days now to see my FS.

So nervous. so nervous.

and anxious.

and excited.

and frightened.

so we waka now?

big fat positive

boo, gotcha! nup, i ain't pregnant. i haven't seen DH's Krull the Warrior King for 23months.

i called my fertility specialist and we've got an appointment booked in. NEXT MONTH! Well, apparently, somebody had just cancelled her appointment and it was either this appointment or sometime in late September. So, i thought, WTH!

Anyway, spoke to my FS and first thing he asked was,
WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?!

Erm, hello? U're my FS. I'm infertile. I need to get knocked up again.

Told him that I hadn't had my AF yet and that I was hoping to try again..soon? He was shocked and asked, BUT YOU DON'T HAVE PCOS, IF I REMEMBER CORRECTLY? Yep, that's right..I have fucking endo that eats my mood away and makes me very bitchy. Told him that I'm still bf-ing and tried to night wean but it's been H.A.R.D. We've been successful with day weaning cuz T's just too busy exploring the world. Told him that at the rate we're going, T will be the only child and that I'd have my menopause first. He laughed. Huh? Was that a joke?!

Honestly, I am excited about trying again for number 2. But there are days, I'd go, I don't know if I can do it. T has been sick quite a lot and I had my moments of I WANT OUT, seriously. Because I couldn't cope doing it all on my own. Although I have DH at night and during the weekends, but it's the day when I'm all alone with a sick and crying baby..and I am helpless cuz I wished I could do something to make him feel better. He hasn't been sick for 2 weeks (am i jinxing it by saying this out loud!???) and I feel a bit sane but there's just so much housework to do! arghs!

Then, just yesterday, I started reminiscing about the time I found out that I was pg to the first time I saw T at my 12 weeks scan. I will never forget that day. I was filled with fear and apprehension..and excitement. At 12 weeks, I saw 10 fingers, 10 toes and I heard the most beautiful beat,

BA-BOOM
BA-BOOM
BA-BOOM

His heartbeat.

And then he did a wave and he had me at hello.

I was rapt...... with love

To me, I didn't just want to be pregnant. I wanted to stay pregnant and have this baby in my arms. My big fat positive was = baby in my arms and me realising my dream of being a mum - FINALLY. Can I be selfish and say that, I want to live that dream again. My good bloggy friend said, WE'RE LIVING THE DREAM. MUMMYHOOD IS GRAND. I couldn't agree even more!

So, I sent a fedex to God and made a little wish.

It would be lovely to hear jingle bells this X'mas but it would be even lovelier to hear,

BA-BOOM
BA-BOOM
BA-BOOM

I haven't said this for some time.... FINGERS CROSSED, huh?

ps. oh, wtf? maybe i'll just visit DH's Krull the Warrior King and see what happens tonight. U know how the fertiles say it in their annoying Fran Drescher whiney tone, I KNOW IT ALL,, U KNOW, IF YOU CAN GET PREGNANT ONCE, U CAN GET PREGNANT AGAAAIIIIINNNNN! hmmpf.

number 2

babes and i have been talking more and more about us trying again for number 2. i still haven't my AF yet. Bf-ing has kept her at bay. Night weaning has been harder than i thought. T has been sick the whole of April and is sick again with the cold and cough. I hate cold months. He always gets so sick during the colder months. And whenever he is teething, he gets a cold. So, the boob becomes his comfort zone. Mama here, is very sleep deprived.

Been thinking of giving my fertility specialist a call...soon. Feel that time is ticking for us. I'm worried that it'll take another 3.5years or that it may never happen for us. We worry too about the financial and emotional strain. But I feel that a sibling for T would do him good. What if one day, both of us aren't around anymore, he would at least have someone he can turn to.

So, I've set a dateline. I'll be giving my fertility specialist a call next month. Likelihood of us getting an appointment with him would be in 3 months time. Hopefully by then, I'll get my AF back. T's health would be better. And I think I may need to start thinking about alternative career options when he goes to school in 2014. So, possibly, thinking about going back to school.

A bit scary.

We have so many dreams.

If we can't have another, I know I'll be very sad. But I'm thankful that I have T and I've learnt so much through my experience with infertility. I cherished every second/minute of being pregnant. I loved being big (the bigger the better, I kept saying!), I loved feeling him move and I loved the backaches from carrying him for 37weeks 2 days! ha!

So, please say a prayer for us that maybe, somehow, we'll be blessed with another.

And no, we won't be "relaxing" to get another baby.

ps I still fuckking hate that OH, JUST RELAX AND YOU'LL GET PREGNANT assvice! HATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

mother's day.

Mother's Day for infertiles is usually, FUCKING (CRY YOUR HEART OUT LIKE CRAZY) GROUNDHOG DAY. It happens year after year of knowing that the celebration goes past with empty, barren & lonely arms.

I hated Mother's Day, for a varied of reasons. One, I wanted SOOOO MUCH what my friends were having. The warm cuddles, the sweet kisses, the take-my-breath away smiles and yes, i wanted the nights of not sleeping, the crazy changing of nappies, the incessant crying and the getting peed yet. The little things that so many fertiles take for granted - I WANTED IT ALL.

Secondly, I always miss my mum on Mother's Day. I've always wondered what kind of mother I would be. I didn't have my mum around long enough to inspire me, to talk to me, to love me, to give me a hug, to scold me when I was naughty. And I think that's why I behave the way I do now as a mum. I panic whenever T gets sick or whenever I get sick. I fear that I will leave him early which is why I am very anal about doing certain things. I record every single thing that makes him happy, makes him sad, makes him angry. I write funny letters to him so that he would know the kind of childhood he had when he grows up.

Today I sit here, pondering and reflecting Mother's Day. It's a different Mother's Day this year. But I sit here watching three videos:

What IF? A Portrait of Infertility from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.

Happy Mother's Day, to my fellow infertiles who are still on the tumultuous rollercoaster journey to finding your resolution. I can still feel & taste the tears, anguish and sorrow.

To be a mother, one needs to feel the love of a mother.
That to me, tells me that you are already a mum.

To my mum, Happy Mother's Day.

I miss you dearly with my whole heart and really wish you were here.


xoxo,
P.

breastfeeding.

i have been breastfeeding for 12.5months. WOO-HOO!

How did I get to 12.5months??!!! I DON'T FUCKING KNOW! In the early days of breastfeeding, I thought, we'll try for one month. I didn't really care if he was formula fed or breastfed. Just as long as he had milk and was thriving. And somehow everything seemed to fall in place. It was hard in the beginning. With my war wounds from my c-section, it was hard holding him and putting him on my belly, though we had bought a breastfeeding cushion. But babes pushed me to breastfeed and we had several visits to the lactation consultants. Emotionally, I was tired. Physically, I was tired. So, I don't know how I lasted this long.

At my 6.5weeks checkup with my fertility specialist, he told me that I should ideally breastfeed T for 6months to keep my endo at bay. Hmmm.... maybe that's why I was determined to try my best.

When T was first placed on my breast, I remember him moving his hands around my tummy. It was like as if he knew he was living in there for 9months! Just before he sleeps, he would place his one hand on my heart and the other on my tummy. Till today, he still does that before he sleeps.

(Excuse the tears as I write this!) It's the best feeling ever!

But we have decided to slowly wean him off for the next 6months. I want to do it slowly so that he doesn't feel abandoned/upset/frustrated. We are thinking that maybe we would like to try for number 2 again. AF hasn't made her appearance yet and I think breastfeeding is keeping her away. For the first time in a long time, I think I may just welcome her with open arms.

I don't think I'm ready yet to give up breastfeeding. Friends back home think I'm weird that I'm still breastfeeding. They feel that it's wrong to breastfeed after 6months. Anyway, i never gave two hoots to what people say. I survived 3.5years of MAYBE IF YOU JUST RELAX assvice that now I have an automatic switch-off mode when somebody tries to preach that what I'm doing is wrong.

I know I'll be very sad once I stop breastfeeding. He is just growing up so fast, exploring the world and walking and talking and it's so hard to even get a hug these days that perhaps the only thing that I am holding on is this closeness that we have. I know that I'll have to close this chapter of our lives and move on to another chapter.




But we have 6months.

And I will treasure and cherish the next 6months....

......and keep them locked in my heart.

happy birthday.

My son will be turning O.N.E. this March 18.

I was going through my belly picturs to the time he was born and I started sobbing. Sad tears. Happy tears. Mostly happy. Memories of my journey with infertility that started from Singapore and continued to Perth and finally Melbourne just made me very sad. I hate feeling sad these days when I have something so wonderful in my hands. And then I started thinking about the day I found out I was pregnant on July 19, 2008 to the time he was born and somehow, it meandered to happy tears. I shan't bore you with the long birth story. Long story short, it was a 19hour long labour followed by an emergency c-section. I don't really quite remember the labour as much (OK, I lied, I do remember!). All I remember was hearing him cry and them placing him on my chest. Like a pendulum swing, I was feeling nervous with apprehension to anticipation to excitement. When I finally saw him, I bawled into his face, kissed his wet head and touched his candy floss cheeks. I had reached my finishing line. This is how a resolution to my infertility nightmare feels like. My infertility feelings of anger, resentment and frustration all but suddenly were replaced by an overwhelming feeling of motherly calm and peace. Before I was wheeled off to my resting room, my beautiful fertility specialist who was also my obsterician (God bless his pure soul) kissed my forehead and whispered in my ear gently, YOU'RE A MUM NOW. STOP CRYING. Fuck, that did it! I BAWLED EVEN LOUDER!

Being a mum hasn't been easy while I fumbled through and am still fumbling through motherhood. We really felt dying from sheer exhaustion! From the cleaning of the house to the cooking and to the constant change of nappies and to coming up with tricks to make T sleep. We still do feel dead tired! Everything is still a blur. Now we've got teething in our hands.

Having no family help or any maid (it's common for Singaporeans to have maids when you have a bub), we didn't know whether what we were doing was right or wrong. We simply followed our hearts, instincts and mostly googling. I remember how babes was wondering how to put T's nappy on in the hospital while T was crying hysterically. As I was still sore and couldn't move from the bed, I kept asking him, WHAT'S WRONG? WHAT'S WRONG? WHAT'S WRONG, only to be snapped, JUST SHUT UP!, while he frantically tried to calm T down. Many times both babes and I would snap at each other cuz we were scared shitless. We didn't know why T was crying, or sneezing or pooing Niagra Falls. I remember at the hospital when I first saw T's poo being black in colour and I panicked. I buzzed the nurse who was assigned to us and she said, OH IT'S NORMAL and I opened my eyes wide and exclaimed, HUH? BUT IT'S BLAAAACCCCKKKK!!! HOW CAN THAT BE NORMAL?! to the time I buzzed her again, Y DOES HE HAVE SESAME SEEDS IN HIS POO? to the time I buzzed her again, Y IS HIS POO YELLOW? to the time I buzzed her again, Y DOESN'T HE STOP CRYING??!!! I bet she must have been jumping and dancing for joy when we left the hospital. HA!

But oh, I remember wheeling him out of the hospital and going in the elevator to bring T home and this kind old lady touched her heart and whispered to me, HOW PRECIOUS. And I smiled back, feeling like the proudest mummy on earth. :) Yeah, how precious indeed. When we brought him home, I'd shine a light on him at night, just to check that he was breathing. I was paranoid of losing him and till today, I still do shine a light on him at night. After going through infertility for 3.5years, I don't want to lose him. Babes says I talk crazy talk. I tell T that when he goes out clubbing late at night when he grows up, I'll wear my shades and hide behind pillars in the club to see what he's up to. And babes says T's friends will be warning him, HEY IS THAT YOUR MAMA HIDING BEHIND THE PILAR? lol. I sing this song by Simple Minds to him (quite often actually), DON'T YOU FORGET ABOUT ME. DON'T DON'T DON'T. My only hope is that he'll still kiss and love his mama (and yes, of course, his dada) when he goes out into the world and that's when I know I have to let him go *sniff sniff* but for now, I want to kiss him and hug him tight every night.

So, yesterday, I started to look through all of T's clothes and I have put aside in a box, labelled birth to 1 year old. I've put in his first outfit he wore after he was born, his first small swaddler, his first toy, his lovely presents given by my generous and lovely infertile friends from the States (I know how hard it must have been for you to shop for T and I really want to thank you from the bottom of my "bottomest" heart) to letters that I had written to him before he was born and I am still writing to him. At the end of every letter, I'd tell him that Dada and Mama love him very much. As I was reading through all the letters, I kept thinking how much we've been through and how much more we're going through. I always end off in my letters to him: Dada and Mama love you and will always do. I want him to know that he can always count on us, no matter what happens and that I will NEVER SHUT him out of my life. How can I?

I know that life is so good for us now. I am scared that it'll be taken away from us. But I have to believe that he has chosen us to be his parents for a reason. And we will treasure and cherish every single moment with him.







After all, we have reached the promised land.

And our hearts are full.

Happy Birthday, my dearest son.

Dada and Mama love you and will always do

teething

gosh, when does this teething end?!

T gets the cough and cold whenever a tooth pops and then I'll fall sick and babes falls sick. This week, even the dog has diarrhoea.

Hopefully he'll recover soon.

HE HAS A BIIIIIIIG PARTY TO ATTEND.

MAH BAYBEEE IS TURNING ONE.

time.

Infertile talk: so-so
Baby talk: A bit explosive
Bitchy talk: Kindda explosive
this is gonna be short.

i have been extremely busy. too busy to even take a pee or poo. i do it when he's asleep, which is rare cuz he's on a sleep strike.

there's so much to tell.

first up, T is turning 1 this March. Yes, O.N.E. How fast, eh?! I love him with my whole heart and soul that it hurts. When he's on the boob, I hug him tight, smell his hair, caress his face and stroke his hair. And then, finally, he sleeps on the boob (I know people say it is a bad habit - not good to let him sleep on the boob. But, ah, who fucking cares?! He's only this small, cute and needy for this short of time! Sometimes, I get annoyed when people say, U KNOW, YOU SHOULDN'T DO THIS YOU SHOULDN'T DO THAT..*all baby bloody experts* BLAH BLAH BLAH! BLAH! And then I sing a song in my head - you are fucking annoying, neh neh ni noo nooo)...Ok, so I digress.

And I give him a kiss on his head and whisper in his ear, OF ALL THE BILLIONS & SQUILLIONS OF LITTLE BUNNIES AROUND THE WORLD, HOW DID I GET SO LUCKY TO HAVE THE BEST ONE? SLEEP TIGHT MY LITTLE SNUGGLE BUNNY. I LOVE YOU. and off I go...to pee or poo. ha!

i love him so much that it hurts (I know I'm repeating myself). My infertility feelings are still there. Sometimes I get emotional when I think about it. I don't get all upset as I used to when I hear somebody getting pregnant. But there is still a bit of that tug. That pull. That "argh, you martha-farkin-biatch" feeling when I hear, OH IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. Yeah, get your martha-farkin tubes tied, my friend. But I smile politely, of farkin course and whimper a "congrats".

I'm unsure when my next post will be but I'll try when time permits.

So, hmmm..what's next for us?
I think we'll be talking about number deux soon.

Only time will tell.

But for now, I want time to stay still. This short precious time that I have with him is so picturesque that I want to capture every moment in my heart and soul as I hold my T in my arms, smell his hair and whisper, I LOVE YOU, MY SNUGGLE BUNNY.

Testing

Ok, testing, testing.

Mic check. One. Two. One Two.

Anybody out there?