babes and i have been talking more and more about us trying again for number 2. i still haven't my AF yet. Bf-ing has kept her at bay. Night weaning has been harder than i thought. T has been sick the whole of April and is sick again with the cold and cough. I hate cold months. He always gets so sick during the colder months. And whenever he is teething, he gets a cold. So, the boob becomes his comfort zone. Mama here, is very sleep deprived.
Been thinking of giving my fertility specialist a call...soon. Feel that time is ticking for us. I'm worried that it'll take another 3.5years or that it may never happen for us. We worry too about the financial and emotional strain. But I feel that a sibling for T would do him good. What if one day, both of us aren't around anymore, he would at least have someone he can turn to.
So, I've set a dateline. I'll be giving my fertility specialist a call next month. Likelihood of us getting an appointment with him would be in 3 months time. Hopefully by then, I'll get my AF back. T's health would be better. And I think I may need to start thinking about alternative career options when he goes to school in 2014. So, possibly, thinking about going back to school.
A bit scary.
We have so many dreams.
If we can't have another, I know I'll be very sad. But I'm thankful that I have T and I've learnt so much through my experience with infertility. I cherished every second/minute of being pregnant. I loved being big (the bigger the better, I kept saying!), I loved feeling him move and I loved the backaches from carrying him for 37weeks 2 days! ha!
So, please say a prayer for us that maybe, somehow, we'll be blessed with another.
And no, we won't be "relaxing" to get another baby.
ps I still fuckking hate that OH, JUST RELAX AND YOU'LL GET PREGNANT assvice! HATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Sunday, May 9, 2010
mother's day.
Mother's Day for infertiles is usually, FUCKING (CRY YOUR HEART OUT LIKE CRAZY) GROUNDHOG DAY. It happens year after year of knowing that the celebration goes past with empty, barren & lonely arms.
I hated Mother's Day, for a varied of reasons. One, I wanted SOOOO MUCH what my friends were having. The warm cuddles, the sweet kisses, the take-my-breath away smiles and yes, i wanted the nights of not sleeping, the crazy changing of nappies, the incessant crying and the getting peed yet. The little things that so many fertiles take for granted - I WANTED IT ALL.
Secondly, I always miss my mum on Mother's Day. I've always wondered what kind of mother I would be. I didn't have my mum around long enough to inspire me, to talk to me, to love me, to give me a hug, to scold me when I was naughty. And I think that's why I behave the way I do now as a mum. I panic whenever T gets sick or whenever I get sick. I fear that I will leave him early which is why I am very anal about doing certain things. I record every single thing that makes him happy, makes him sad, makes him angry. I write funny letters to him so that he would know the kind of childhood he had when he grows up.
Today I sit here, pondering and reflecting Mother's Day. It's a different Mother's Day this year. But I sit here watching three videos:
Happy Mother's Day, to my fellow infertiles who are still on the tumultuous rollercoaster journey to finding your resolution. I can still feel & taste the tears, anguish and sorrow.
To be a mother, one needs to feel the love of a mother.
That to me, tells me that you are already a mum.
To my mum, Happy Mother's Day.
I miss you dearly with my whole heart and really wish you were here.
xoxo,
P.
I hated Mother's Day, for a varied of reasons. One, I wanted SOOOO MUCH what my friends were having. The warm cuddles, the sweet kisses, the take-my-breath away smiles and yes, i wanted the nights of not sleeping, the crazy changing of nappies, the incessant crying and the getting peed yet. The little things that so many fertiles take for granted - I WANTED IT ALL.
Secondly, I always miss my mum on Mother's Day. I've always wondered what kind of mother I would be. I didn't have my mum around long enough to inspire me, to talk to me, to love me, to give me a hug, to scold me when I was naughty. And I think that's why I behave the way I do now as a mum. I panic whenever T gets sick or whenever I get sick. I fear that I will leave him early which is why I am very anal about doing certain things. I record every single thing that makes him happy, makes him sad, makes him angry. I write funny letters to him so that he would know the kind of childhood he had when he grows up.
Today I sit here, pondering and reflecting Mother's Day. It's a different Mother's Day this year. But I sit here watching three videos:
What IF? A Portrait of Infertility from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.
Happy Mother's Day, to my fellow infertiles who are still on the tumultuous rollercoaster journey to finding your resolution. I can still feel & taste the tears, anguish and sorrow.
To be a mother, one needs to feel the love of a mother.
That to me, tells me that you are already a mum.
To my mum, Happy Mother's Day.
I miss you dearly with my whole heart and really wish you were here.
xoxo,
P.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
breastfeeding.
i have been breastfeeding for 12.5months. WOO-HOO!
How did I get to 12.5months??!!! I DON'T FUCKING KNOW! In the early days of breastfeeding, I thought, we'll try for one month. I didn't really care if he was formula fed or breastfed. Just as long as he had milk and was thriving. And somehow everything seemed to fall in place. It was hard in the beginning. With my war wounds from my c-section, it was hard holding him and putting him on my belly, though we had bought a breastfeeding cushion. But babes pushed me to breastfeed and we had several visits to the lactation consultants. Emotionally, I was tired. Physically, I was tired. So, I don't know how I lasted this long.
At my 6.5weeks checkup with my fertility specialist, he told me that I should ideally breastfeed T for 6months to keep my endo at bay. Hmmm.... maybe that's why I was determined to try my best.
When T was first placed on my breast, I remember him moving his hands around my tummy. It was like as if he knew he was living in there for 9months! Just before he sleeps, he would place his one hand on my heart and the other on my tummy. Till today, he still does that before he sleeps.
(Excuse the tears as I write this!) It's the best feeling ever!
But we have decided to slowly wean him off for the next 6months. I want to do it slowly so that he doesn't feel abandoned/upset/frustrated. We are thinking that maybe we would like to try for number 2 again. AF hasn't made her appearance yet and I think breastfeeding is keeping her away. For the first time in a long time, I think I may just welcome her with open arms.
I don't think I'm ready yet to give up breastfeeding. Friends back home think I'm weird that I'm still breastfeeding. They feel that it's wrong to breastfeed after 6months. Anyway, i never gave two hoots to what people say. I survived 3.5years of MAYBE IF YOU JUST RELAX assvice that now I have an automatic switch-off mode when somebody tries to preach that what I'm doing is wrong.
I know I'll be very sad once I stop breastfeeding. He is just growing up so fast, exploring the world and walking and talking and it's so hard to even get a hug these days that perhaps the only thing that I am holding on is this closeness that we have. I know that I'll have to close this chapter of our lives and move on to another chapter.
But we have 6months.
And I will treasure and cherish the next 6months....
......and keep them locked in my heart.
How did I get to 12.5months??!!! I DON'T FUCKING KNOW! In the early days of breastfeeding, I thought, we'll try for one month. I didn't really care if he was formula fed or breastfed. Just as long as he had milk and was thriving. And somehow everything seemed to fall in place. It was hard in the beginning. With my war wounds from my c-section, it was hard holding him and putting him on my belly, though we had bought a breastfeeding cushion. But babes pushed me to breastfeed and we had several visits to the lactation consultants. Emotionally, I was tired. Physically, I was tired. So, I don't know how I lasted this long.
At my 6.5weeks checkup with my fertility specialist, he told me that I should ideally breastfeed T for 6months to keep my endo at bay. Hmmm.... maybe that's why I was determined to try my best.
When T was first placed on my breast, I remember him moving his hands around my tummy. It was like as if he knew he was living in there for 9months! Just before he sleeps, he would place his one hand on my heart and the other on my tummy. Till today, he still does that before he sleeps.
(Excuse the tears as I write this!) It's the best feeling ever!
But we have decided to slowly wean him off for the next 6months. I want to do it slowly so that he doesn't feel abandoned/upset/frustrated. We are thinking that maybe we would like to try for number 2 again. AF hasn't made her appearance yet and I think breastfeeding is keeping her away. For the first time in a long time, I think I may just welcome her with open arms.
I don't think I'm ready yet to give up breastfeeding. Friends back home think I'm weird that I'm still breastfeeding. They feel that it's wrong to breastfeed after 6months. Anyway, i never gave two hoots to what people say. I survived 3.5years of MAYBE IF YOU JUST RELAX assvice that now I have an automatic switch-off mode when somebody tries to preach that what I'm doing is wrong.
I know I'll be very sad once I stop breastfeeding. He is just growing up so fast, exploring the world and walking and talking and it's so hard to even get a hug these days that perhaps the only thing that I am holding on is this closeness that we have. I know that I'll have to close this chapter of our lives and move on to another chapter.
But we have 6months.
And I will treasure and cherish the next 6months....
......and keep them locked in my heart.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
happy birthday.
My son will be turning O.N.E. this March 18.
I was going through my belly picturs to the time he was born and I started sobbing. Sad tears. Happy tears. Mostly happy. Memories of my journey with infertility that started from Singapore and continued to Perth and finally Melbourne just made me very sad. I hate feeling sad these days when I have something so wonderful in my hands. And then I started thinking about the day I found out I was pregnant on July 19, 2008 to the time he was born and somehow, it meandered to happy tears. I shan't bore you with the long birth story. Long story short, it was a 19hour long labour followed by an emergency c-section. I don't really quite remember the labour as much (OK, I lied, I do remember!). All I remember was hearing him cry and them placing him on my chest. Like a pendulum swing, I was feeling nervous with apprehension to anticipation to excitement. When I finally saw him, I bawled into his face, kissed his wet head and touched his candy floss cheeks. I had reached my finishing line. This is how a resolution to my infertility nightmare feels like. My infertility feelings of anger, resentment and frustration all but suddenly were replaced by an overwhelming feeling of motherly calm and peace. Before I was wheeled off to my resting room, my beautiful fertility specialist who was also my obsterician (God bless his pure soul) kissed my forehead and whispered in my ear gently, YOU'RE A MUM NOW. STOP CRYING. Fuck, that did it! I BAWLED EVEN LOUDER!
Being a mum hasn't been easy while I fumbled through and am still fumbling through motherhood. We really felt dying from sheer exhaustion! From the cleaning of the house to the cooking and to the constant change of nappies and to coming up with tricks to make T sleep. We still do feel dead tired! Everything is still a blur. Now we've got teething in our hands.
Having no family help or any maid (it's common for Singaporeans to have maids when you have a bub), we didn't know whether what we were doing was right or wrong. We simply followed our hearts, instincts and mostly googling. I remember how babes was wondering how to put T's nappy on in the hospital while T was crying hysterically. As I was still sore and couldn't move from the bed, I kept asking him, WHAT'S WRONG? WHAT'S WRONG? WHAT'S WRONG, only to be snapped, JUST SHUT UP!, while he frantically tried to calm T down. Many times both babes and I would snap at each other cuz we were scared shitless. We didn't know why T was crying, or sneezing or pooing Niagra Falls. I remember at the hospital when I first saw T's poo being black in colour and I panicked. I buzzed the nurse who was assigned to us and she said, OH IT'S NORMAL and I opened my eyes wide and exclaimed, HUH? BUT IT'S BLAAAACCCCKKKK!!! HOW CAN THAT BE NORMAL?! to the time I buzzed her again, Y DOES HE HAVE SESAME SEEDS IN HIS POO? to the time I buzzed her again, Y IS HIS POO YELLOW? to the time I buzzed her again, Y DOESN'T HE STOP CRYING??!!! I bet she must have been jumping and dancing for joy when we left the hospital. HA!
But oh, I remember wheeling him out of the hospital and going in the elevator to bring T home and this kind old lady touched her heart and whispered to me, HOW PRECIOUS. And I smiled back, feeling like the proudest mummy on earth. :) Yeah, how precious indeed. When we brought him home, I'd shine a light on him at night, just to check that he was breathing. I was paranoid of losing him and till today, I still do shine a light on him at night. After going through infertility for 3.5years, I don't want to lose him. Babes says I talk crazy talk. I tell T that when he goes out clubbing late at night when he grows up, I'll wear my shades and hide behind pillars in the club to see what he's up to. And babes says T's friends will be warning him, HEY IS THAT YOUR MAMA HIDING BEHIND THE PILAR? lol. I sing this song by Simple Minds to him (quite often actually), DON'T YOU FORGET ABOUT ME. DON'T DON'T DON'T. My only hope is that he'll still kiss and love his mama (and yes, of course, his dada) when he goes out into the world and that's when I know I have to let him go *sniff sniff* but for now, I want to kiss him and hug him tight every night.
So, yesterday, I started to look through all of T's clothes and I have put aside in a box, labelled birth to 1 year old. I've put in his first outfit he wore after he was born, his first small swaddler, his first toy, his lovely presents given by my generous and lovely infertile friends from the States (I know how hard it must have been for you to shop for T and I really want to thank you from the bottom of my "bottomest" heart) to letters that I had written to him before he was born and I am still writing to him. At the end of every letter, I'd tell him that Dada and Mama love him very much. As I was reading through all the letters, I kept thinking how much we've been through and how much more we're going through. I always end off in my letters to him: Dada and Mama love you and will always do. I want him to know that he can always count on us, no matter what happens and that I will NEVER SHUT him out of my life. How can I?
I know that life is so good for us now. I am scared that it'll be taken away from us. But I have to believe that he has chosen us to be his parents for a reason. And we will treasure and cherish every single moment with him.
After all, we have reached the promised land.
And our hearts are full.
Happy Birthday, my dearest son.
Dada and Mama love you and will always do
I was going through my belly picturs to the time he was born and I started sobbing. Sad tears. Happy tears. Mostly happy. Memories of my journey with infertility that started from Singapore and continued to Perth and finally Melbourne just made me very sad. I hate feeling sad these days when I have something so wonderful in my hands. And then I started thinking about the day I found out I was pregnant on July 19, 2008 to the time he was born and somehow, it meandered to happy tears. I shan't bore you with the long birth story. Long story short, it was a 19hour long labour followed by an emergency c-section. I don't really quite remember the labour as much (OK, I lied, I do remember!). All I remember was hearing him cry and them placing him on my chest. Like a pendulum swing, I was feeling nervous with apprehension to anticipation to excitement. When I finally saw him, I bawled into his face, kissed his wet head and touched his candy floss cheeks. I had reached my finishing line. This is how a resolution to my infertility nightmare feels like. My infertility feelings of anger, resentment and frustration all but suddenly were replaced by an overwhelming feeling of motherly calm and peace. Before I was wheeled off to my resting room, my beautiful fertility specialist who was also my obsterician (God bless his pure soul) kissed my forehead and whispered in my ear gently, YOU'RE A MUM NOW. STOP CRYING. Fuck, that did it! I BAWLED EVEN LOUDER!
Being a mum hasn't been easy while I fumbled through and am still fumbling through motherhood. We really felt dying from sheer exhaustion! From the cleaning of the house to the cooking and to the constant change of nappies and to coming up with tricks to make T sleep. We still do feel dead tired! Everything is still a blur. Now we've got teething in our hands.
Having no family help or any maid (it's common for Singaporeans to have maids when you have a bub), we didn't know whether what we were doing was right or wrong. We simply followed our hearts, instincts and mostly googling. I remember how babes was wondering how to put T's nappy on in the hospital while T was crying hysterically. As I was still sore and couldn't move from the bed, I kept asking him, WHAT'S WRONG? WHAT'S WRONG? WHAT'S WRONG, only to be snapped, JUST SHUT UP!, while he frantically tried to calm T down. Many times both babes and I would snap at each other cuz we were scared shitless. We didn't know why T was crying, or sneezing or pooing Niagra Falls. I remember at the hospital when I first saw T's poo being black in colour and I panicked. I buzzed the nurse who was assigned to us and she said, OH IT'S NORMAL and I opened my eyes wide and exclaimed, HUH? BUT IT'S BLAAAACCCCKKKK!!! HOW CAN THAT BE NORMAL?! to the time I buzzed her again, Y DOES HE HAVE SESAME SEEDS IN HIS POO? to the time I buzzed her again, Y IS HIS POO YELLOW? to the time I buzzed her again, Y DOESN'T HE STOP CRYING??!!! I bet she must have been jumping and dancing for joy when we left the hospital. HA!
But oh, I remember wheeling him out of the hospital and going in the elevator to bring T home and this kind old lady touched her heart and whispered to me, HOW PRECIOUS. And I smiled back, feeling like the proudest mummy on earth. :) Yeah, how precious indeed. When we brought him home, I'd shine a light on him at night, just to check that he was breathing. I was paranoid of losing him and till today, I still do shine a light on him at night. After going through infertility for 3.5years, I don't want to lose him. Babes says I talk crazy talk. I tell T that when he goes out clubbing late at night when he grows up, I'll wear my shades and hide behind pillars in the club to see what he's up to. And babes says T's friends will be warning him, HEY IS THAT YOUR MAMA HIDING BEHIND THE PILAR? lol. I sing this song by Simple Minds to him (quite often actually), DON'T YOU FORGET ABOUT ME. DON'T DON'T DON'T. My only hope is that he'll still kiss and love his mama (and yes, of course, his dada) when he goes out into the world and that's when I know I have to let him go *sniff sniff* but for now, I want to kiss him and hug him tight every night.
So, yesterday, I started to look through all of T's clothes and I have put aside in a box, labelled birth to 1 year old. I've put in his first outfit he wore after he was born, his first small swaddler, his first toy, his lovely presents given by my generous and lovely infertile friends from the States (I know how hard it must have been for you to shop for T and I really want to thank you from the bottom of my "bottomest" heart) to letters that I had written to him before he was born and I am still writing to him. At the end of every letter, I'd tell him that Dada and Mama love him very much. As I was reading through all the letters, I kept thinking how much we've been through and how much more we're going through. I always end off in my letters to him: Dada and Mama love you and will always do. I want him to know that he can always count on us, no matter what happens and that I will NEVER SHUT him out of my life. How can I?
I know that life is so good for us now. I am scared that it'll be taken away from us. But I have to believe that he has chosen us to be his parents for a reason. And we will treasure and cherish every single moment with him.
After all, we have reached the promised land.
And our hearts are full.
Happy Birthday, my dearest son.
Dada and Mama love you and will always do
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
teething
gosh, when does this teething end?!
T gets the cough and cold whenever a tooth pops and then I'll fall sick and babes falls sick. This week, even the dog has diarrhoea.
Hopefully he'll recover soon.
HE HAS A BIIIIIIIG PARTY TO ATTEND.
MAH BAYBEEE IS TURNING ONE.
T gets the cough and cold whenever a tooth pops and then I'll fall sick and babes falls sick. This week, even the dog has diarrhoea.
Hopefully he'll recover soon.
HE HAS A BIIIIIIIG PARTY TO ATTEND.
MAH BAYBEEE IS TURNING ONE.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
time.
Infertile talk: so-so
Baby talk: A bit explosive
Bitchy talk: Kindda explosive
this is gonna be short.
i have been extremely busy. too busy to even take a pee or poo. i do it when he's asleep, which is rare cuz he's on a sleep strike.
there's so much to tell.
first up, T is turning 1 this March. Yes, O.N.E. How fast, eh?! I love him with my whole heart and soul that it hurts. When he's on the boob, I hug him tight, smell his hair, caress his face and stroke his hair. And then, finally, he sleeps on the boob (I know people say it is a bad habit - not good to let him sleep on the boob. But, ah, who fucking cares?! He's only this small, cute and needy for this short of time! Sometimes, I get annoyed when people say, U KNOW, YOU SHOULDN'T DO THIS YOU SHOULDN'T DO THAT..*all baby bloody experts* BLAH BLAH BLAH! BLAH! And then I sing a song in my head - you are fucking annoying, neh neh ni noo nooo)...Ok, so I digress.
And I give him a kiss on his head and whisper in his ear, OF ALL THE BILLIONS & SQUILLIONS OF LITTLE BUNNIES AROUND THE WORLD, HOW DID I GET SO LUCKY TO HAVE THE BEST ONE? SLEEP TIGHT MY LITTLE SNUGGLE BUNNY. I LOVE YOU. and off I go...to pee or poo. ha!
i love him so much that it hurts (I know I'm repeating myself). My infertility feelings are still there. Sometimes I get emotional when I think about it. I don't get all upset as I used to when I hear somebody getting pregnant. But there is still a bit of that tug. That pull. That "argh, you martha-farkin-biatch" feeling when I hear, OH IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. Yeah, get your martha-farkin tubes tied, my friend. But I smile politely, of farkin course and whimper a "congrats".
I'm unsure when my next post will be but I'll try when time permits.
So, hmmm..what's next for us?
I think we'll be talking about number deux soon.
Only time will tell.
But for now, I want time to stay still. This short precious time that I have with him is so picturesque that I want to capture every moment in my heart and soul as I hold my T in my arms, smell his hair and whisper, I LOVE YOU, MY SNUGGLE BUNNY.
Baby talk: A bit explosive
Bitchy talk: Kindda explosive
this is gonna be short.
i have been extremely busy. too busy to even take a pee or poo. i do it when he's asleep, which is rare cuz he's on a sleep strike.
there's so much to tell.
first up, T is turning 1 this March. Yes, O.N.E. How fast, eh?! I love him with my whole heart and soul that it hurts. When he's on the boob, I hug him tight, smell his hair, caress his face and stroke his hair. And then, finally, he sleeps on the boob (I know people say it is a bad habit - not good to let him sleep on the boob. But, ah, who fucking cares?! He's only this small, cute and needy for this short of time! Sometimes, I get annoyed when people say, U KNOW, YOU SHOULDN'T DO THIS YOU SHOULDN'T DO THAT..*all baby bloody experts* BLAH BLAH BLAH! BLAH! And then I sing a song in my head - you are fucking annoying, neh neh ni noo nooo)...Ok, so I digress.
And I give him a kiss on his head and whisper in his ear, OF ALL THE BILLIONS & SQUILLIONS OF LITTLE BUNNIES AROUND THE WORLD, HOW DID I GET SO LUCKY TO HAVE THE BEST ONE? SLEEP TIGHT MY LITTLE SNUGGLE BUNNY. I LOVE YOU. and off I go...to pee or poo. ha!
i love him so much that it hurts (I know I'm repeating myself). My infertility feelings are still there. Sometimes I get emotional when I think about it. I don't get all upset as I used to when I hear somebody getting pregnant. But there is still a bit of that tug. That pull. That "argh, you martha-farkin-biatch" feeling when I hear, OH IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. Yeah, get your martha-farkin tubes tied, my friend. But I smile politely, of farkin course and whimper a "congrats".
I'm unsure when my next post will be but I'll try when time permits.
So, hmmm..what's next for us?
I think we'll be talking about number deux soon.
Only time will tell.
But for now, I want time to stay still. This short precious time that I have with him is so picturesque that I want to capture every moment in my heart and soul as I hold my T in my arms, smell his hair and whisper, I LOVE YOU, MY SNUGGLE BUNNY.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
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