Singaporeans will be voting tomorrow. Being away from Singapore for almost 4 years, I don't really keep in touch with the Singapore news anymore, apart from Jamie Yeo having had an affair and dumping that loud mouth deejay and getting married to an English dude, or is he American?
Anyways, from what I hear, it's the first time that people, or rather, the younger generation who may want a different system, a system to be heard & open. I lived with a system where we had to follow rules. Though some of them I am grateful for, many I disagree.
I was shocked when I saw an election here in Australia for the first time. The existing government was immediately thrown off and taken away by another party. So, this is what keeping the government in check was all about! So different from Singapore where it was my system, my way, you just jolly well live with it.
I have lived in two different countries. Whilst I miss things like getting foreign help so cheaply to things like being able to run downstairs to get a plate of chicken rice to having CPF and knowing you can use it for your housing instalment, there are so many reasons why we won't go back to Singapore - for now, or perhaps forever.
Our life here is good. With infertility, doctors here are better. We were better informed of our disease and were better educated about how to treat it. Babes comes home by 5.30pm and gets to spend at least 3hours before T goes to bed. I get to be a SAHM here to enjoy and treasure being with T. If we were to go back, both of us would have to work as babes's occupation has been overtaken by foreigners in Singapore and was told to take a paycut when we were in Singapore..or that his position would simply go to a foreigner who is willing to take a lower salary. We could not survive on his salary alone in Singapore :(
When we went back to Singapore last year after 3.5years of being away, we felt that Singapore is a different Singapore for us. So many tall buildings, everywhere was just so congested, houses are so close by that you wouldn't dare let go a fart for fear your neighbour might hear you - ok, so i exaggerate about the closeness...
Being in Melbourne now for the past 3 years, we are perhaps more used to the beach now where we live, used to seeing beautiful trees; our neighbours are just next to us but yet we have our own privacy - we are divided by our gardens, we are so used to being able to drive up to the country to enjoy some country life and hear the cows moo and the horses fart, oops, i mean neigh, more used to hearing a horn beep to say hello and goodbye, rather than seeing an annoyed handwave as to why you are driving so slowly in Singapore!..and we have our own circle of friends now and we really, really, like it here..it's a life we've come to embrace.
Babes and I were talking recently if we would go back to Singapore to live. We're unsure. We'll take it day by day and see how it go..but for us, Melbourne is home now and we have T.... And it's the best place to be.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
why?
well, we met up with our FS on Monday and found out why the miscarriage happened. The sac that they took for testing showed that it had 92 chromosomes and most likely that 2 sperms had entered the egg. He said that the m/c was rare and whilst it could happen to anybody but given my age (though I aint that old just yet), just over 36 years old, the chances of a m/c is higher.
But that doesn't mean we won't try again.
We will, perhaps, when my heart has healed. The tears have stopped freely and I am able to enjoy being with T again. Time and again, almost everyday, he still touches my tummy and asks, BAY-BEE? but i tell him that baby is in heaven.
I'm in an acceptance stage of what has happened. It's been 2 months of grieving. I know that when my due date comes in September, I'd probably be sad again but I want to focus on the NOW which is being happy with T.
NOW is good and I am lucky and know that I am blessed for NOW.
But that doesn't mean we won't try again.
We will, perhaps, when my heart has healed. The tears have stopped freely and I am able to enjoy being with T again. Time and again, almost everyday, he still touches my tummy and asks, BAY-BEE? but i tell him that baby is in heaven.
I'm in an acceptance stage of what has happened. It's been 2 months of grieving. I know that when my due date comes in September, I'd probably be sad again but I want to focus on the NOW which is being happy with T.
NOW is good and I am lucky and know that I am blessed for NOW.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
a month later
it's been almost a month since we've had the d&c.
the grieving stage was horrible. but it was hard to grieve for long when I have a bubbly, happy toddler who loves to have me around. he turned 2 last week. i've been writing T letters since I found out I was pregnant. I guess, just to remember our journey to have him and also to remember our journey together as a family. In the letter, I wrote how much we love him and talked about his birthday party. I also mentioned about our loss because I had written a letter to him earlier, announcing that he was going to have a sibling.
T still kisses my tummy which is the sweetest thing and says, BAY-BEE?. And I tell him, Bay-bee is in heaven. Sleeping. And he goes, OH and carries on playing with his car toys. He is just so innocent that I am happy he doesn't understand sadness. Perhaps the only sadness is when I tell him we have to go home after he's had his fun at the park.
Babes and I will try again, when we are ready. We'll be seeing our fertility specialist on April 11. Because he is also our OBGYN, he will tell us the results of what went wrong from the sac he took from the d&c. I want to know, and I don't want to know. :(
About a week ago, I saw a friend mentioning on facebook that she was expecting and that her due date was 23 September. Fuck, what are the odds!? Same due date as mine! Surprisingly, I didn't bawl my eyes out. I just sighed and felt a tinge of sadness.
Today, I would have been 14.5 weeks. I don't really want sympathy, you know. I'm still sad. But I was sadder. I'm just saying, that's all. The grief of loss is still there and I have my moments of coulda, woulda, shoulda. HATE.HATE.HATE.INFERTILITY.ARGHS.
I'm unsure whether we will have another child. With infertilty, fuck knows. I'll give ourselves maybe a year, max 2 years and I'll give up our dream to have another child. Deep inside, I know that I'm just really grateful for T.
So, we'll see.
Happy belated birthday, T.
Mama and Dada love you. Forever and ever and ever.
the grieving stage was horrible. but it was hard to grieve for long when I have a bubbly, happy toddler who loves to have me around. he turned 2 last week. i've been writing T letters since I found out I was pregnant. I guess, just to remember our journey to have him and also to remember our journey together as a family. In the letter, I wrote how much we love him and talked about his birthday party. I also mentioned about our loss because I had written a letter to him earlier, announcing that he was going to have a sibling.
T still kisses my tummy which is the sweetest thing and says, BAY-BEE?. And I tell him, Bay-bee is in heaven. Sleeping. And he goes, OH and carries on playing with his car toys. He is just so innocent that I am happy he doesn't understand sadness. Perhaps the only sadness is when I tell him we have to go home after he's had his fun at the park.
Babes and I will try again, when we are ready. We'll be seeing our fertility specialist on April 11. Because he is also our OBGYN, he will tell us the results of what went wrong from the sac he took from the d&c. I want to know, and I don't want to know. :(
About a week ago, I saw a friend mentioning on facebook that she was expecting and that her due date was 23 September. Fuck, what are the odds!? Same due date as mine! Surprisingly, I didn't bawl my eyes out. I just sighed and felt a tinge of sadness.
Today, I would have been 14.5 weeks. I don't really want sympathy, you know. I'm still sad. But I was sadder. I'm just saying, that's all. The grief of loss is still there and I have my moments of coulda, woulda, shoulda. HATE.HATE.HATE.INFERTILITY.ARGHS.
I'm unsure whether we will have another child. With infertilty, fuck knows. I'll give ourselves maybe a year, max 2 years and I'll give up our dream to have another child. Deep inside, I know that I'm just really grateful for T.
So, we'll see.
Happy belated birthday, T.
Mama and Dada love you. Forever and ever and ever.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
:(
For the past few nights, I've been staring at the computer, eating my ice-cream. Indulging in self-pity food.
ice cream tastes fucking good.
When I first found out that I was pregnant with T, I had the camera on a roll. We took pictures of my first pee stick that said - pregnant (I am still keeping that pee stick), first scan of him waving to us, pictures of my tummy growing bigger, pictures of us buying his pram, cot, clothes, and then when he was born, pictures of everything. Our first touch with him, his first day, second day, third day, first week, first month, first smile, first step..and then there will be more pictures to come of his first day at school, first picture of him being a teen, first picture of him being 21 - an adult officially...and pictures of him getting married, and maybe of him having his first child (definitely NO pressures from me about insisting him to have grandchildren!).
Pictures.
Lots of pictures.
And these will become lots of beautiful memories to treasure.
Miscarriage is so hard. When it all comes crashing down around you when you miscarry, you have lost a lifetime of memories. Most people don't know but your life has just completely changed.
My fondest memory of Baby Number 2 is of a picture of a pee stick that says 4 to 5 weeks pregnant.
And that memory stops there.
I long for more memories with Baby Number 2. I really do.
It's been a week since the d&c.
My heart still bleeds and the tears can't stop falling, though they are less often.
:(
Back to eating ice-cream now. *nom nom nom*
Ice cream tastes so fucking good.
ice cream tastes fucking good.
When I first found out that I was pregnant with T, I had the camera on a roll. We took pictures of my first pee stick that said - pregnant (I am still keeping that pee stick), first scan of him waving to us, pictures of my tummy growing bigger, pictures of us buying his pram, cot, clothes, and then when he was born, pictures of everything. Our first touch with him, his first day, second day, third day, first week, first month, first smile, first step..and then there will be more pictures to come of his first day at school, first picture of him being a teen, first picture of him being 21 - an adult officially...and pictures of him getting married, and maybe of him having his first child (definitely NO pressures from me about insisting him to have grandchildren!).
Pictures.
Lots of pictures.
And these will become lots of beautiful memories to treasure.
Miscarriage is so hard. When it all comes crashing down around you when you miscarry, you have lost a lifetime of memories. Most people don't know but your life has just completely changed.
My fondest memory of Baby Number 2 is of a picture of a pee stick that says 4 to 5 weeks pregnant.
And that memory stops there.
I long for more memories with Baby Number 2. I really do.
It's been a week since the d&c.
My heart still bleeds and the tears can't stop falling, though they are less often.
:(
Back to eating ice-cream now. *nom nom nom*
Ice cream tastes so fucking good.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
butterflies are free to fly, and so they fly away.
On Feb 23, the sonographer confirmed that the pregnancy wasn't going to be a successful one. Before he scanned me internally, he whispered, I know you're anxious and I whispered back, Yes, with a trickle of tear falling down, for I knew what he would find. No heartbeat, no fetus.
I was 9 weeks, 1 day.
Confused, anger, resentment, gut-wrenching sadness took over.
I rolled my eyes over and I started sobbing.
We waited for him to call my fertility specialist to decide what the next steps were. The clock ticked ever so slowly. Because I had T with me, it was hard waiting and I had to put on a happy face for him.
We decided to leave after 30minutes as T was getting impatient. We went for a walk along the park. Babes was running around with T and I sat down and lamented what a journey we've had to have T. Seeing specialist after specialist from Singapore, to Perth to Melbourne to find out what was wrong with us - why we couldn't conceive, only to have finally given us the reason and having him has been our miracle that I know we are both grateful for.
Because I was already showing at 7 weeks, a few friends knew I was pregnant. And some of them tried to "console" me after they knew I was down and out that, "It just wasn't meant to be". Since my infertility days, I have always hated that, "it just wasn't meant to be". does it give one comfort, knowing how much they want that dream to have a child? do you tell somebody who is going chemo and losing their lives, It just wasn't meant to be that you can't be here for your children. or do you tell somebody who is wheel-bound, it just wasn't meant to be that you don't have legs. It's the lost of a dream, lost of a flicker of hope, lost of what many many people take things for granted - lost of happiness in life. Because infertility and going through a miscarriage draws you and sucks you into a realm of depression so strong that sometimes even the strongest finds themselves so lost in this labyrinth of darkness and gloom.
As I laid on the operating table yesterday to have my d&c again (the first one was in 2008 when I had to remove my endo, ovarian cysts, uterine fibroids and polyps), I cried hysterically. I had never felt so empty in my whole life. I knew that this was it. The anaesthetist who remembers me (he was my anaesthetist when I did my lap in 2008) and nurses were fantastic. They rubbed my head and wiped my tears away and consoled me like I would console T with ssshing, in time, you'll be ok.
Yes, to many, this pregnancy for us, wasn't meant to be.
On a flipside, it was.
It was meant to be that for an infertile girl like me, that I was given the opportunity (and it was just such an experience that I know so many fertiles out there take this for granted), to be able to conceive naturally, just this one time. It's like striking 4D/lotto for infertiles.
It was a beautiful, beautiful beautiful experience - no medical intervention, no stranger to have my legs opened to see what was wrong, no cold tools to go into my vagina.
Yes, we feel robbed of this pregnancy, of this dream.
Yes, we are sad.
Yes, we are both such emotional wrecks.
Yes, our hearts are just so broken.
Yes, our vision's just so blurry and they are just filled with tears.
And Yes, we will be ok...... in time
To my husband my son who have been kissing my tummy everyday to tell me that they love me, I know that it's meant to be you are here for me, through good and bad times.
I love you, babes and T. Today, tomorrow and everyday.
I was 9 weeks, 1 day.
Confused, anger, resentment, gut-wrenching sadness took over.
I rolled my eyes over and I started sobbing.
We waited for him to call my fertility specialist to decide what the next steps were. The clock ticked ever so slowly. Because I had T with me, it was hard waiting and I had to put on a happy face for him.
We decided to leave after 30minutes as T was getting impatient. We went for a walk along the park. Babes was running around with T and I sat down and lamented what a journey we've had to have T. Seeing specialist after specialist from Singapore, to Perth to Melbourne to find out what was wrong with us - why we couldn't conceive, only to have finally given us the reason and having him has been our miracle that I know we are both grateful for.
Because I was already showing at 7 weeks, a few friends knew I was pregnant. And some of them tried to "console" me after they knew I was down and out that, "It just wasn't meant to be". Since my infertility days, I have always hated that, "it just wasn't meant to be". does it give one comfort, knowing how much they want that dream to have a child? do you tell somebody who is going chemo and losing their lives, It just wasn't meant to be that you can't be here for your children. or do you tell somebody who is wheel-bound, it just wasn't meant to be that you don't have legs. It's the lost of a dream, lost of a flicker of hope, lost of what many many people take things for granted - lost of happiness in life. Because infertility and going through a miscarriage draws you and sucks you into a realm of depression so strong that sometimes even the strongest finds themselves so lost in this labyrinth of darkness and gloom.
As I laid on the operating table yesterday to have my d&c again (the first one was in 2008 when I had to remove my endo, ovarian cysts, uterine fibroids and polyps), I cried hysterically. I had never felt so empty in my whole life. I knew that this was it. The anaesthetist who remembers me (he was my anaesthetist when I did my lap in 2008) and nurses were fantastic. They rubbed my head and wiped my tears away and consoled me like I would console T with ssshing, in time, you'll be ok.
Yes, to many, this pregnancy for us, wasn't meant to be.
On a flipside, it was.
It was meant to be that for an infertile girl like me, that I was given the opportunity (and it was just such an experience that I know so many fertiles out there take this for granted), to be able to conceive naturally, just this one time. It's like striking 4D/lotto for infertiles.
It was a beautiful, beautiful beautiful experience - no medical intervention, no stranger to have my legs opened to see what was wrong, no cold tools to go into my vagina.
Yes, we feel robbed of this pregnancy, of this dream.
Yes, we are sad.
Yes, we are both such emotional wrecks.
Yes, our hearts are just so broken.
Yes, our vision's just so blurry and they are just filled with tears.
And Yes, we will be ok...... in time
To my husband my son who have been kissing my tummy everyday to tell me that they love me, I know that it's meant to be you are here for me, through good and bad times.
I love you, babes and T. Today, tomorrow and everyday.
Monday, February 14, 2011
very sad today
we went for our 1st scan, feeling excited, wondering if it was 1 bub or 2 bubs.
we didn't expect to be told the following:
1) no heartbeat
2) it only showed that i'm 5 weeks pregnant.
been bawling my eyes out. but i know i have to put on a very happy face for T. He can't see me in this state.
will go in next week to see if we can find a heartbeat and if bub has grown.
i'm sad. scared.......
we didn't expect to be told the following:
1) no heartbeat
2) it only showed that i'm 5 weeks pregnant.
been bawling my eyes out. but i know i have to put on a very happy face for T. He can't see me in this state.
will go in next week to see if we can find a heartbeat and if bub has grown.
i'm sad. scared.......
Sunday, January 23, 2011
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